Theatre of


January 29th

Beta House Ted


List of performers:

  1. Jared Mason
  2. Amy Sara
  3. Bridget Thomas
  4. The Baby Makers – Erin Gordon, Caty Gordon, RJ, CJ, Dave Ruthenburg, AJ Rahm, Shea
  5. Tux Guy
  6. Mitch
  7. Keith
  8. Jeff Helenthal
  9. Greg Gelder
  10. Christie Willis

Underlines denote first time performers.

Approximate running time:

I think an hour


Number of Pieces:




60 people and 1 baby


Host Notes:

Know this, any misspellings or lack of capilowlisations are things I don’t care about. Also bad grammering.

            Every so often on this planet, something amazing happens. Unfortunately, this was not one of those times. Theatre of Ted “Beta House” was loosely based on the principles of American Pie Beta House. We wanted the entirety of the Ted audience to be pledges and to fulfill tasks during their pieces. The tasks were:

Incorporate Titties, streak, get paddled, sign asses, include 3 Will Ferrell quotes, have a hot girl make out with a single Beta House member, let us draw a dick on you (+1 if its on your face, effectively start a USA chant, bring up a pair of panties (+1 if it’s a thong), and get a Boner. The trick was that if someone would show their fully erect penis, then everyone would get in without doing any other requirements. Is it wrong that that’s all I wanted from the audience? Yes. Very much so.

The first piece of the night was Jared with “you’re a god among Bro’s. it was a shel silverstein poem and it talked about all the elements of bromanship. Including bro’s before ho’s. I also liked the words broseiden and show me the bropes. I think he also said to get an HJ out of some girl. Not sure.

The second piece of the night was amy and bridget discussing mock prom! They talked about how you could go to and discuss themes and Goldfarb nominations on the Ted message boards. Mock Prom is may 3rd.

The third piece had host notes written by Greg. This is what he wrote:

“baby makers fuck yeah! I have lines dunch women try to act, fuckin hot and they like porn... and aluminum foil FUCK YEAH! Man are they gonna fight? There are lots of condoms. OH SHIT SON! BETA HOUSE Lube! Porn. I loved good burger. Wink. Kel mitchel is my bro. Man, chick getting hot to good burger! What the fuck? Sex robot? RJ is a hot robot. Robot sex is like have sex with super K. BETA HOUSE FUCKIN YEAH!”

Tux guy then did a piece where he talked about how keith and all of his friends are better than most.

Chris at this point apparently “got awesome” if you were there, you would know what that meant.

Mitch did a piece where I wrote : Boobs, song with snaps, fun and cool, boom. Make of it what you will

These notes of my piece were also written by someone else, probably greg. :

“Keith – tries to sell shit. I bet nobody will have enough money to buy one. He is pregnant. By stuff, we have overage fees. Socks are v5ve. Babies should not be awake at 1:00 am. Cocktapus the ocktadick. Send money or COD to 206 S. linden apt 4. will custom make a sock thing.

Jeff and Greg went last and did the most amazing thing I have ever seen. Greg read his kindergarden notebook while cool music played and jeff interpretive danced to the words. It was amazing. I can barely describe how cool it was. It seemed like it was so deep. I loved it.

And after that, Christie came up and fulfilled some of the requirements of that night. In the end, all but the boner one was fulfilled and because of the extra points people acquired, the audience made it into Ted Beta house. Eugene Levy was there too.

Theatre of Ted Enthusiastic Applause

Performance pieces: 

  1. Jared Mason – You’re a god among Bro’s
  2. Amy and Bridget – A fuckin announcement
  3. The babymakers – Awkward
  4. Tux Guy – What if... part 3
  5. Mitch – pixie TV
  6. Keith – Christmas break +
  7. Jeff Helenthal and Greg Gelder – Kindergarten
  8. Christie – for a requirement



Piece of the week:

 Jeff and Greg - Kindergarten

Dare to Suck Award:

Christie – for a requirement. She did what it took to complete the night

Jaw Dropper:

 Probably me misspelling my own name and being fairly incomprehensible. That, and all the cool BETA HOUSE SHIT!!!

Super secret Hidden Theme*:

There was a baby. I didn’t see it until later in the night. Scared the hell out of me.

*Hidden themes are the unintentional repetition of something throughout the TED of that week.