Theatre of


Saturday September 22, 2007

Vaudeville Folk Ted

With the Brothers McCormick


List of performers:

  1. Sarah
  2. Robbie
  3. Jared Mason
  4. Gregg Brown
  5. Ian Miller
  6. Mike Norris
  7. Erin Gordon
  8. Caty Gordon
  9. Matt Gill
  10. Jeff Helenthal
  11. Mitch
  12. Dave Ruthenberg
  13. Paul
  14. Ron
  15. Gregg Gelder


Underlines denote Ted virgins. Or who I think was a Ted Virgin

Approximate running time:

1 hour 30 minutes


Number of Pieces:






Host Notes:

Know this, any misspellings or lack of capilowlisations are things I donÕt care about. Also bad grammer.

            This week Ted was graced with the presence of the legendary Vaudeville folk band, The Brothers McCormick of which Jeremy and I (Douglas) happen to make up. After a rousing display of physical humor including slipping on a banana peel and dropping a nearly liquid banana down some trousers, the band was ready to sing. We sang some oldies and some newies, but I think everyone was pleased. Then in an ecstatic, beautiful chord of old, we bellowed Theatre of Ted, Enthusiastic Applause!

            Sarah was first this evening with a little giveaway. Some old friend had left their stuff at her house, and so she decided to give it away to anyone willing to earn it. Some chest, some bra, and some guitar were all exposed.

            Next was Robbie and Matt with a song dedicated to Jack Daniels. It was about being raped by superman. Although it was a little raunchy, it had some clever little nuances. Not a bad piece, not a bad piece at all.

            Third tonight was Jared Mason. But right as he started, he was interruptedÉ

BY A BIRTHDAY CAKE!!!!!! Everyone sang to him and then we almost dropped the cake entirely. Then carefully we walked it over to the table where it arrived unscathed.

Until I punched it. But hey, THATÕS VAUDEVILLE!

            So then, they cut the cake for the audience, and Jared started his actual piece. He talked about the revolution of class that was taking over a lot of students and how he feels about the necessity of lookinÕ sharp. He talked about how men and women can lead classier lives. It was a really cool little discussion that was only made better by a cake that was a cut above the rest. Ya dadadadada dadadadadadada ya dadadadadadadadayaya! HEY!

            Fourth was Gregg Brown with some more awesome tunes to the playing of a drum by tinz. Again, a really fun array of music. I especially loved the piano playing since it was just hitting all the black keys. It was very simple, yet very pleasing to the ear. I would like to hear more instruments from this musician I think.

            Ian Miller graced the stage next with a card trick to promote 4 square. Then he fell down, and rambled about 4 square for 4 minutes. It was exactly as thrilling as it sounds.

            Mike Norris then performed what I wrote down to be the battle of the century. He arm wrestled twin sisters Caty and Erin Gordon. Erin went down fast, but Caty fought it out. She probably used her twin powers to steal all of ErinÕs strength to try to beat Mike. She didnÕt though. Mike was too damn strong. But if anyone out there is up for it and is a twin, I bet Mike will take you on. Fun Fact: Mike is a twin.

            Matt Gill Stopped on by to tell us about an invention to help to not get laid. After hearing this I couldnÕt help but to yell ÒFINALLY!!!Ó The invention consisted of writing on yourself various phrases to turn women away. Then at the end, he went there with something hinting at anal sex. Yup, thatÕs RobbieÕs friends for ya.

            Jeff then attempted to conquer furniture.

            Man, I really wanted to only write that about JeffÕs piece, but it was too interesting to just leave at that. It was kindof dancy, very intriguing, confusing, and very Ted. Perhaps it was the frosting that was in my ear, but I thought this piece was cool.

            Then Mitch talked about how many hot braless women talked to him about his really cool German expressionist piece from the first Ted. He talked about how he wants Ted to be like it used to be. Which evidently comprised of really easy women putting out for mediocre talent. IÕm not against the idea, but I donÕt think its likely. He also talked real raunchy about what women should do to Robbie.

            Then came Dave Ruthenberg with more evil from Pickle Jar. Another really funny bit from this guy consisted of lines being the enemy of evil. He hypothesized a world without lines, then spoke of ways to cut. My favorite one was where you just mime scissors and look them in the eye as you cut. I also like the idea of someone being maimed in a deli slicer. Good stuff.

            Pete Tenuto then told us exactly what he would do if he had a million dollars. Everyone agreed.

            Next, Mike bought a shoe for 4 dollars.

            Paul then stood awkwardly and then played the piano for an indefinite amount of time.

            Ron Sweeny showed us his chair, confused the audience, and said he would be in the Vidette this Wednesday! So check it out!!

            Then Greg made people arm wrestle RJ for the last piece of cake. Ian won. Millions of others lost. RJ is made of muscle and computer knowledge. Oh, and sex appeal. If anyone is going to have sex with anyone, it should be you with RJ. Get on that.

            After that and various stupid antics that Doug and I performed including knock, knock jokes, pieing ourselves with cake, and me losing my pants constantly, we said some other funny things, said ÒThroat Fucking,Ó and said Theatre of Ted, Enthusiastic Applause.



Performance pieces:

1. Sarah – Spontaneous Mardi Gras

  1. Robbie and Matt – Super Rape
  2. Jared Mason – ItÕs a Revolution
  3. Gregg Brown – Songs
  4. Ian Miller – Announcement
  5. Mike Norris, Caty Gordon, and Erin Gordon– Arm Wrestling
  6. Matt Gill – A warning
  7. Jeff Helenthal – Trio for one
  8. Mitch – Grrr.
  9. Dave Ruthenberg – More lectures in Evil
  10. Mike Norris – Something Stupid
  11. Paul – This oneÕs for the Ladies
  12. Ron – Historic Moment
  13. Gregg Gelder - suprise





Piece of the week:

Jared Mason with ItÕs a Revolution


Dare to Suck Award:

Paul with this oneÕs for the ladies


Jaw Dropper:

Robbie BersanoÕs everything

The cake almost falling.

Super secret Hidden Theme*:

I guess the amount of raunchy material. Especially since Jared spoke about how people should be classier.

*Hidden themes are the unintentional repetition of something throughout the TED of that week.