Theatre of


Saturday, February 18th 2006

“Poetry of the Penis”



List of performers:

Trevor Shaw

Pete Tenuto

Mikey Laird

Steve Wisegarver

Ryan Bennet

Jordan Holloway

Matt Prescott

Ian Miller

Sean Wagers



Rob Colletti

The Chad

Craig Sadur

Keith Habersberger

Nicole Dieker




Approximate Running Time:

1 hour and 54 minutes


Number of Pieces:







Host Notes:

            This week many people flocked to the annual production of The Vagina Monologues and we at Theatre of Ted thought that a group of people were not represented as well as they should be, so a group of gentlemen decided to get together to put together “Poetry of the Penis”.

            “Poetry of the Penis” started with Rob Colletti reciting a poem while Steve Wisegarver provided a beat. Rob’s beat poem consisted of him describing his penis and using extended (ha ha: extended) metaphors and not-so-extended metaphors for his penis. My personal favorite was calling it his “Wild Wang”. To conclude his poem, he read a short letter to his penis.

            Our next penis poet was Keith Habersberger. He wrote a Haiku about his penis. I was busy listening to it, so I didn’t write anything down. But it was funny, touching, and truly groundbreaking.

            I then followed Keith with a poem in honor of my penis entitled “My Friend”. I think the title is self explanatory.

            Mikey Laird wrote a poem called “The Penis: Much More Than You Think”. My favorite moment of this piece was right as Mikey made a comment about the size of Ian Miller’s penis, Ian walked into Allen. Priceless!

            Marc “Maximus” Muszynski prepared a sonnet about his penis for the audience, but before he could perform his piece, he asked the audience to close their eyes and lay down flat and imagine the man they want to be with (if they didn’t have one in mind, Marc graciously offered himself to be the subject of their desires for the moment). His piece just flat out killed me. Great piece. Great opener. Great goulash.

            Theatre of Ted, ENTHUSIASTIC APPLAUSE!

Our first non-penis poetry item of the night was performed by a newcomer to Ted, Trevor Shaw. Trevor did a poem in the style of slam-poetry. His poem basically ripped our current Presidential administration.

Wingus returned to the Theatre of Ted stage and performed a song about how to break up with a woman. The song featured a snappy chorus that included the line “It’s not me, it’s you. F*ck you and your mother too.” Matt then announced that they would perform a second song about Dinosaurs. Matt wanted the audience to know that contrary to their portrayal in Hollywood movies, dinosaurs are not nice; they are mean and would eat us if they got the chance. What took place after this announcement was one of the most ridiculous/amazingly hilarious performances I have ever seen at Ted. Matt Prescott’s screaming of first line of the chorus “Dinosaurs!” was so hilarious it forced the entire show to stop due to everyone laughing so hard. Mikey and Ryan could not continue to play due to Prescott’s maniacal wailing of “Dinosaurs!” It seemed that everyone in the audience just died of laughter. My favorite line of this song had to be, “In Land Before Time that mother would’ve totally eaten those kids if she wasn’t on camera.”

Once everyone collected themselves, The Chad took the stage and did his piece “Meet the Chad”, but this week he brought PRIZES! He brought 8 people on stage and met them. Each got a prize and one lucky girl, Katie Smith, got to be interviewed by The Chad. My favorite question of his was when he asked her if she thought he had a majestic presence to him. Classic. Another memorable moment was when he gave her the grand prize of the night: a tube of KY Jelly; which immediately made her boyfriend turn bright red in the face. Priceless.

Next up was Randomly Pegasus with the “Randomly Pegasus Song”. I have no idea what the hell Craig was talking/singing about. This piece left me confused to the core of my being. After that, they performed a song about how Axl Rose lost his talent. I loved the line where Craig said that Axl put on weight and can’t fit in a standard door.

Then Ryan and Noel, from the HMSA, made an announcement about an open mic night that would take place later in the week. Maybe sometime they can perform at our show…

After the announcement, Old Peoria returned for their 2nd performance at Ted. They started out with an intro that I’m assuming is called “Fantasy Lover”. They then went into a cover of “Hey Girl”. After a little bit of “Hey Girl” Ryan Bennett went into an awesome guitar solo, which then turned into “Louie Louie” and then concluded. That was definitely a cool musical journey.

Keith Habersberger then took the stage, our ears, and our hearts with his performance “Leftover Thursday”. He played his French horn beautifully and told jokes. He segued between jokes by playing different songs on the French horn. His jokes mostly consisted of hilarious observations about nursery rhymes.

Our new resident video game theme connoisseur, Nicole Dieker, had an awesome concept: “Interactive Fun!” She placed several props on stage for anyone to use and then she played various video game themes including Pac-Man, Final Fantasy III, and many others. Audience members then ran on stage and re-enacted the video games while she played the songs. What a bunch of nerds ;)

Our own Marc Muszynski, inspired by the poetry performed tonight, decided to perform a piece that he performed back when he was a young lad. He performed a poem by Reggie Gibson: he couldn’t remember any of the ones he wrote off the top of his head. I don’t remember the name of the poem, but I forgot how fun it is to watch Marc perform poetry. It totally reminded me of freshman year. Marc used to perform poems all the time at Ted. It was cool to see him up there again.

Ian Miller then performed the Johnny Cash cover of the Nine Inch Nails song, “Hurt”. I quote Matt Prescott when I say “I think that makes it an original”. Funny stuff.

Our final piece of the night was Pete Tenuto performing “Blister in the Sun” and a song he wrote called “Goodnight Sweet Ladies”. Nice to see him do some different stuff. Good performance.

In a night filled with penises, dinosaurs, nursery rhymes, poetry, guitars, and Craig, I can definitely say I had one of the best times I’ve ever had at Ted tonight. I was really tired after working crew for a show for 12 hours today, but Ted saved my day. Ted rules that way. Theatre of Ted, Enthusiastic Applause.


Performance pieces:

Trevor Shaw with “Tower of Babel”

Wingus with “Season 2: Episode V – Dinosaurs and Girlfriends”

Ian Miller with “Hurt”

Randomly Pegasus with “In Memory of Axl Rose’s Talent”

Pete Tenuto with “2 Songs”

Nicole Dieker with “Interactive Fun”

Noel and Ryan with an HMSA announcement

The Chad with “Meet The Chad”

Old Peoria with “An Old Favorite With A New Twist”






Piece(s) of the week:

Wingus’ performance of “Dinosaurs”

Dare to Suck Award:

Trevor Shaw with his first performance at Ted

Jaw dropper:

Mikey talking about how Ian Miller has a small penis right as Ian walked into the theater.


Super Secret Theme: Giggly people. They were everywhere!


*hidden themes are the unintentional repetition of something throughout the TED of that week.