Theatre of


Saturday, February 4th 2006

“Ted Bowl”



List of performers:


Jon Bingham

Keaton Mattera

Pete Tenuto

Jordan Holloway

CJ Tuor

Ian Miller

Kevin Hadsell

The Chad

Craig Sadur

Keith Habersberger

Mike Norris

Jeff Helenthal

Leslie Shepard

Matt Richert



Approximate Running Time:

1 hour and 38 minutes


Number of Pieces:







Host Notes:

            Tonight we witnessed a historic event, the 30th annual Ted Bowl presented by the Wal Mart Conglomeration in the Eleanor’s Kitchen Allen Superdome! Breaking down the action for everyone were two former Theatre of Ted All-Stars, Marc “Red Thunder” Muszynski and yours truly, Brian “Rooster Fucker” Wohl. Marc and I plugged our sponsors and then presented the Equate Intimacy Jelly lineup for the night. We then stood up to hear the National Anthem sung by Whitney Houston on a CD. It was quite a moving moment to see everyone standing in honor of our great nation. At the end of the anthem we started the Ted Bowl with the rallying cry “Theatre of Ted, ENTHUSIASTIC APPLAUSE!”

            I also was happy to make the announcement of the 4th birthday of New Theatre of Ted! We all wished Ted a happy birthday and let the game begin.


            The first team on the field tonight was Bainbridge. They started with a thunderous song played in the dark on a small Casio keyboard. Randomly throughout the anthem, there were gunshot sounds and enough loud noises to make Pete Townshend go deaf again. As this was going on, Bainbridge walked by with a bear skin and then people were shouting things in to the microphone with distorted voices. I think I heard someone yell “My back!” and “The Hydra!” and other various disturbing noises and phrases. This was the most polished piece that I’ve seen them do. These guys are really growing and it’s exciting to see where they’ll go next.

The second team on the field was Ecclesiastic Church Robot with “I am a Robot” these guys were in Robot costumes and played a song about being a robot. Cool premise, but it was hard to hear them because the music was too loud for the vocals to be heard.

After that, Red Thunder did his commercial for Equate Intimacy Jelly and everyone really seemed like they were just about ready to get up and buy some.

Then Mike “Commodore” Norris wowed the crowd and his girlfriend with his poem “I Wanna Fuck Ellen DeGeneres”. This poem started out explaining what Mike finds sexy about Ellen and then evolved into explaining the evolution of his sexuality and why he likes women who are funny and entertaining. This was the best poem I have ever heard at Ted. Way to go Commodore!

Next up was Matt & Keith with a Medley. They started out with “The Luckiest” by Ben Folds and then went into a song that I think was called “Incomplete”, and then they played an original song that was so beautiful until I heard the lyrics: It was a plug for their show that happens at Brewsters on Wednesday. Funny stuff.

After that, Ian Miller was back with a totally new act! He juggled while playing this techno song on his CD player. He juggled balls, then some different colored balls, then rings, pins, and hacky sacks. He dropped a few, but he kept going and put on a great show!

Craig was back with his group “Randomly Pegasus”. He started out telling a few of his signature random jokes and slammed CJ for being a virgin. He then played a song that he played back in October, but now it was audible to us all and I was incredibly glad that he did. This song was the “Fonz song”. I loved that song. Marc and I could barely breathe, we were laughing so hard.

We then had the Glade Halftime Race between a Glade Rainfall can and a Glade Cinnamon Sticks can. Glade Rainfall was in the lead for most of the time until Cinnamon Sticks sprayed him in the face and won the race.

After that, Pete Tenuto read a humorous introduction to a book and then played a song. He played his original song “Not What I Wanted” for the 4th time this year! As much as we enjoy that song I’m sure we’re all interested to see if he has some other songs that are original or if he has another hidden talent.

Next was Ted veteran, CJ Tuor with some standup. He covered NASA, Craig’s lack of ability to make an actual joke, Yoo Hoo, and then I couldn’t stop laughing so I couldn’t write anything else down. It was a totally new style of delivery for CJ, but he later told me that he was just really tired, so he just took his time. Awesome performance!

            The ninth piece of the night was Jeff Helenthal reading a poem called “Triumph” and he did it in the style of high school speech competitive poetry. Solid performance.

After that, The Chad read from his black book about the “Theory of Divergent Realities”. He wrote about something that happened to him in another universe with an alternate reality. Heady stuff.

Earlier in the night, I made the comment that Ted was a “Sausage Fest” of performers, but then Leslie Shepard took the stage and made a few announcements about Black History Month, her ministry, and she announced that she lost the game…Fuck!


Performance pieces:


Ecclesiastic Church Robot with “I am a Robot”

Mike Norris with “I Wanna Fuck Ellen Degeneres”

Keith and Matt with “A Medley”

Ian Miller with “Guitar Case”

Randomly Pegasus with “Insert Title Here”

Pete Tenuto with “Introduction to the Neal Pollack Anthology of American Literature” and “A song”

CJ Tuor with Standup

Andrew Higgins with “YAY/BOO”

Jeff Helenthal with “There Aren’t Enough Poems at Ted Anymore”

The Chad with “Expanding Universe Theory”

Leslie Shepard with “Announcements”






Piece(s) of the week:

Mike “Commodore” Norris with “I Wanna Fuck Ellen Degeneres”

CJ with Standup

Dare to Suck Award:

Pete Tenuto for playing the same song for the 4th time this year

Jaw dropper:

Cinnamon Sticks Glade beating Rainfall Glade in the Glade Halftime Race.


Super Secret Theme: People bring their own amps and having them getting gradually

smaller throughout the night


*hidden themes are the unintentional repetition of something throughout the TED of that week.