Saturday, September 11th 2005
“Holdin’ Out for a Ted Host”
List of performers:
Approximate Running Time:
1 hour and 30 minutes
Number of Pieces:
120+ (didn’t get an actual read due to people leaving whenever they damn well pleased!)
The first Theatre of Ted of the Marc Muszynski/Brian Wohl era started out with a short-film of epic proportions! Jared Winkler’s artistry in editing and cinematography was on display in the short film about how Marc and I were approached by a trainer who called himself “Mickey” and then trained to become the best Ted Hosts ever. Right when Marc and I thought that we had finished our training, Mickey sprung one more person for us to face: CRAIG! Craig Sadur then contacted the Ted gods and then made no sense in a hilarious sort of way. After the video ended, I stepped into the Allen Theater and was greeted with thunderous applause from an audience hungry for the start of the 1st Ted of the new school year. We let them salivate a little longer by singing “I Need a Ted Host”, a song sung to the tune of “Holdin’ Out for a Hero” from Footloose about what we want from a good Ted Host and what we’d like to see at Ted. Then came the words that signal the start of every Theatre of Ted “THEATRE OF TED, ENTHUSIASTIC APPLAUSE!” Marc and I then told the audience that certain pieces at Ted might be offensive, so in order to prepare them for any profane or offensive language, Marc and I made some posters with offensive language on them and we got some Ted virgins to come and read what we wrote on the cards. A standout phrase was “I F*ck Nazis for Sport!” Marc and I intended to have a visual aid to help illustrate nudity at Ted, but unfortunately Marc forgot the visual aid. So he went to go look for it while I had to kill time. Just as soon as Marc had exclaimed that he had found the visual aid, a female Ted-goer ran, topless, across the stage! Marc then appeared on stage, naked, and then ran after our visual aid. She then ran back across the stage chased by Marc. The audience erupted at this sight with cheers and applause. What a start to the year!
The first act of the evening was Pete Guither with “What to expect at Theatre of Ted”. The original version of this piece is posted in the “About Ted” section on the Theatre of Ted website. It does what its title says: it tells you what to expect at Ted. If you have yet to go to Ted or if you ever have a doubt about what you should do for a piece at Ted, read this and it will help you immensely.
The second piece was an announcement by Erica and Shannon. They informed us about the death of a parent of a close friend of us at Ted and how it would be appreciated if people could write cards to show how much they care for him. I know that my thoughts and prayers are with him and I cannot wait until he finally can come back to Ted and perform.
After that, Chris Petlak performed his piece “Just Chris” where he performed 2 cover songs by Jason Mraz. Solid piece.
Then Jordan Holloway got up and had long set up for his piece due to the fact that he had an electric guitar that needed to be plugged into an amp. While he did this, Marc and I had picked up a few free items from a local garage sale earlier in the day and we decided to give them away during Ted. So we took advantage of this opportunity and gave away a shoe and a book. Once set-up was complete, Jordan launched into a song by Government Mule, When he finished he said that he was really there to introduce CRAIG SADUR! Craig then launched into a new, re-vamped version of “Craig’s Random Corner” but with rockin’ accompaniment. My favorite line was “I like to call my cat a bitch, just for the irony of it.” I love it!
Next up David Roby and Mike Miserendino decided to auction a date with themselves off to the highest bidder. The combination of the two went for a whopping $28. Congratulations, you studs.
After that, Emily Bowling told a story entitled “This story has nothing to do with squeegees”. The story was about how she worked at the Amheuser Busch Brewery Petting Zoo over the summer. Yes,
Aimee and Bridgette were up next with “Some Spirit”. They came on as their characters, The Ted Cheerleaders, and did a cheer for Ted and said that they were going to audition new members to be a part of their squad. Fun stuff and a great energy-building moment for the night.
After Gidge and Aimee, Mikey did “Shitty Poetry: Round 1”. Mikey performed a poem called “No more one-armed hugs.” It was a poem for a girl that he had a crush on and it was based off of a conversation they had about one-armed hugs. It was very sweet and a nice poem to hear. It might not have been the greatest prose or perfectly structured, but Mikey’s feelings and thoughts were well expressed and presented well. I enjoyed this piece and although it wasn’t the greatest poem in the world, it was interesting to watch because I got to see a side of Mikey I hadn’t seen before and that made this piece interesting.
The next piece took a long-ass time to set up, so I ended up giving away everything else we had from that garage sale. We even gave away the box that we kept the things in. We also took the time to get to know some of the winners of the free stuff. It was nice.
The ninth piece of the night was worth the wait and was performed by Keith and Matt with “Rape and Virgins”. This piece was a mix of stand-up comedy with wonderful piano accompaniment and a song. Keith and Matt are Ted Virgins and Freshmen! Keith made some funny observations on ISU’s Passages program and its way of combating sexual assault and rape by handing out pairs of flip-flops to represent each ISU student that was raped last year, way to go Passages! Keith then sang a song about being a virgin and how difficult it is. I don’t know what this is like, but I’ll turn this one over to my co-host, Marc Muszynski. What do you think about this Marc?
Marc: …. Fuck you Brian. Fuck you very much.
Brian: Thanks Marc. On to the next piece.
Then came David Roby presenting his poem, “Vitamins and Minerals”. It was an epic poem that lasted 30 pages, but David spared us the 30 pages and read an excerpt from it. I’ve always enjoyed David’s poetry. It’s very vivid, full of interesting observations, and has a nice rhythm to it. Solid piece.
Random Break in Host Notes: GORDON’S ALIVE?!
Back to the Host Notes.
Next were Jordan Holloway and John something (I didn’t get your last name, sorry!). They performed a medley of two songs by Coldplay “Fix You” and “Yellow”. Nice, mellow performance.
The final piece of the night was David Roby’s monologue from the famous play, Intensity. I had the pleasure of seeing this piece performed by David at an auditioning workshop and I enjoyed it very much. So I was excited to see this monologue and it was neat to see David do it in a different way.
Tonight’s Ted was one of the shorter Ted’s I’ve seen, but it was still very solid and had some very good performances and it makes me very excited to see the material that everyone comes up with for the rest of the year. All in all, it was a very successful first Ted and hopefully we can build on it in the future.
Pete Guither with “What to expect at Theatre of Ted”
Erica and Shannon with “An Announcement”
Chris Petlak with “Just Chris”
Jordan Holloway and Craig with “Randomly Pegasus”
David Roby and Mike Miserendino with “Auction”
Aimee Kerber and Bridgette Richard with “Some Spirit”
Mikey Laird with “Shitty Poetry: Round 1”
Keith Habersberger & Matt Richert with “Rape and Virgins”
David Roby with “Vitamins and Minerals”
Jordan Holloway and John Something with “Fix You” and “Yellow”
David Roby with “Intensity”
Piece(s) of the week:
Keith and Matt with “Rape and Virgins”
Dare to Suck Award:
Craig and Jordan with “Randomly Pegasus”
Mindy and Marc
Super Secret Theme: People using electric instruments. Note: We will not provide you with amps in the future unless you contact us in advance and we actually feel like lugging those damn things around.
*hidden themes are the unintentional repetition of something throughout the TED of that week.