Saturday, April 2nd 2005
“Trial by Fire”
List of performers:
Approximate Running Time:
? – Tonight was just chaos. Maybe around 2 hours
Number of Pieces:
4 and a bunch by the Evil Order of Bastard People
Somewhere around 70 people
This was the second time I’ve guest hosted Ted and tonight was a dream come true! I was glad to have my partners in crime, Nick Mikula and Marc Muszynski as my co hosts. Special thanks to Rico and Mike for giving me another opportunity to host. Awesome events took place tonight:
There was already an air of excitement due to the fact that neither of the regular hosts were present and Pete Guither wasn’t able to be at Ted either. So Ted was all on the shoulders of Nick, Marc, and myself. I remember Rico calling me before Ted telling me that if anything went wrong, I should call him and he’d come and do what he could. I didn’t think anything of it, but unbeknownst to he and I, our conversation was a total foreshadowing of the night to come.
We started out the evening with an opener, written by Marc and myself, that parodied current events such as the Terry Schiavo case, the Congressional steroids hearings, and good old Elian Gonzales (I know that was like 5 years ago, but it’s still funny to me). The whole sketch was centered around a sandwich left at a table for me by Mike Hall. He told me that I could eat the sandwich if he didn’t come back in 15 minutes. After the time had passed, I went to eat the delicious sandwich, but Marc wouldn’t allow it because he never heard Mike give me permission to eat his glorious gas station sandwich. Marc got the opinions of two different experts (played by Erica Schmueck) and even called a local policeman (played by Nick “I wish I was a Chicago Cop” Mikula). Marc then took me to court where the judge (played by Mike “I’m going to the Bar” Miserendino) ruled that I was allowed to eat the sandwich. Marc appealed the ruling and lost again. Then a crazy religious zealot (played by Amy “Why do you hate God?” Sara) joined Marc’s crusade and took it to Congress. The Congressman (played by CJ “I’m pro sandwich-happiness, rainbows, and bunny rabbits.” Tuor) was shocked by how fast I ate the sandwich after the ruling, believed I was on steroids. I then was sent to the Congressional steroid hearing where they tried to send me back to my “real home” with my “real father” but I replied that my real home is at Theatre of Ted: Enthusiastic Applause!
The first act of the evening was Wingus with A Journey Through Current Events! They sang a great song called “F*ck, You I’m Drunk” which featured the amazing line from the chorus, “I’m going to be drunk ‘til the next time I’m drunk.” But halfway through Wingus’s performance Theatre of Ted was invaded! Three masked men walked into Allen Theater with their dark music blaring and they stalked to the stage and interrupted Wingus’s explosion of musical goodness. We hosts were caught off guard and taken hostage by these masked men. They revealed that they were the Evil Order of Bastard People. There was one in a Darth Vader Mask, one in a painted Ninja Mask, and one in a paintball mask. Then came in their leader, the evil Dark Lord, he was dressed like the Emperor from Star Wars, but his face was covered. The Dark Lord told us that they were going to take over Theatre of Ted for the night and that they would perform whenever they wanted. They then unmasked themselves and revealed that they were Matt Russell, Chris Weise, John Legat, and Matt Morales! Half of the crowd erupted with glee and the other half erupted with confusion over who these weirdoes were. It looked like half our audience was made of freshmen and newbies and they were totally confused by these ISU alums. I totally was excited and it was an awesome surprise! The EOBP then exited the room in the style of Benny Hill to the Benny Hill music. Funny stuff and a great surprise!
Little known to the EOBP: Marc, Nick, and I were planning a way to take Ted back. We made a phone call to get some supplies and hoped they would reach us in time so that we, who once rode together as the Knights of Ted, would take Ted back from these dastardly villains.
The second piece was Eric Rueffer with Bridgette Richard performing “A Bastardization of You Childhood Memories”. They sang the Aladdin theme song but with alternate lyrics and they were really dirty. Fun piece and great singing by Rueff and Gidge.
After that, the EOBP performed a piece called “A Brand New Chapter in An Epic Struggle.” A Pirate and a Ninja both faced off in a daring sword fight, similar to the one performed the last time Chris Weise performed on February 7th, 2004 (check those notes for that one!). They then exited in a Benny Hill fashion. Great piece, very reminiscent of my favorite times at Ted in my freshman year.
Then CJ Tuor performed standup and it was some fun material tonight. He criticized all of the newfound “nerds” who just become nerds because a famous comic book becomes a big movie like the new film, Sin City. CJ is continuing the fight for legitimate nerds everywhere.
Next up was Matt Russell of the EOBP performing “Water Park Simulation”. He slathered sunscreen all over himself and audience members at Ted. Then the rest of the EOBP squirted everyone with water guns. It was hilarious to me, who did not get squirted at all. They then exited in Benny Hill fashion
After that, we ran out of pieces. No one else signed up to perform, but Emily Bowling dared to suck and performed a song called “Keep Your Hands off My Rhino”. Thank you for performing, we really were low on performers tonight.
Mike Mez also volunteered to tell a funny story/joke about how he got slapped on a trip because of his
Then the EOBP got together and told a bunch of off-color jokes really quickly and then they exited in Benny Hill fashion.
After that, to fill in time before their final piece, Nick, Marc, and myself performed a really bad version of the improv game Scene and a Half. It took place at a strip club in the Vatican on the Moon. I shudder to think about how dumb it was. Some people still laughed and I thank the 2 of you for it.
The EOBP then performed a great “Alternate Version of Michael Jackson’s Thriller”. They reenacted the sexual abuse of the boy and the trial of Michael Jackson to the song Thriller. It was AWESOMELY HILARIOUS! I loved this piece.
Then CJ dared to suck by performing a little sketch he made up when he was at camp when he was 15. It was called One Man Movie. He asked for a suggestion of a movie from the audience and then he performed the film they suggested. He performed Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark. It was a great adaptation and a fun time for everyone.
Then we all played the famous Ted game: CHAOS! Everyone was handed a slip and then they performed whatever they were told to do on the slip. But the EOBP played a trick on us. They gave all the girls the instructions to act like a stripper at a strip club and the guys were told to act like guys at a strip club and watch.
After that, the EOBP were in the middle of their final piece and Marc, Nick, and I were ready to strike. Thanks to the heroics of Justin Habenschuss, we were able to mount a rescue attempt for Theatre of Ted from the EOBP! We cued our own music: The Star Wars Theme! And I announced that we weren’t going to be taken over by the EOBP! Marc drew his light saber and I produced a hammer and Nick wielded an air-soft gun. Marc and Chris Weise had an epic sword vs. light saber fight. Marc was taken hostage by the EOBP, but I held the plastic baby Jesus (they used it in the Michael Jackson piece) hostage with my hammer. Nick held his own by aiming his unloaded air-soft gun at the men from his precarious perch on the radiator. We then made a truce that the EOBP could return whenever they wish, but Ted was ours and they would have to sign up and perform just like everyone else and not interrupt people’s pieces. Then the Benny Hill music hit and everyone (including the audience) ran around Benny Hill style and from there we ended Ted.
Wingus with A Journey Through Current Events!
Bridgette Richard and Eric Rueffer with A Bastardization of Your Childhood Memories
CJ with Stand-up
EOBP with various performances
Emily Bowling with Keep Your Hands off My Rhino
Mike Mez with a story
Nick, Marc, and Brian with crappy improv
CJ with One Man Movie
Piece(s) of the week:
The Final Battle between the EOPB and The Knights of Ted
Dare to Suck Award:
Everyone who stepped up after we ran out of performers
The Final Battle
Super Secret Theme: ISU alums coming back to kick ass!