Theatre of


Saturday, December 4th, 2004

1st Semester Ted Finale


The (Ted) Night Before Christmas



List of performers:

Pete Guither

Chris Petlak



CJ Tuor

Craig Sadar

The Chad


Ryan Kent


Bridgette Richards

Erica Schmueck

Shotgun Kate Smith


Brian Wohl

Nick Mikula

Mark Muszynski

Matt Herzau



Ross Frawley

Eric Rueff

Steve Nelson

Nick Izzo

The audience members that performed to get Ted Merchandise (Too many to list)


Italics denotes a new performer at Ted


Approximate Running Time:

2 hour and 25 minutes


Number of Pieces:






Host Notes:

            The finale for Ted this semester began with A Tedmas Carole. This was the Theatre of Ted version of A Christmas Carole. The storyline followed Mike starting the night of the final Ted. Rico and Erica try to convince Mike that he needs to go to the final Ted, but he (I) felt like staying home. Mike goes to bed and is visited by prior host Matt Russell (played by Nick Izzo). Russell explains that three ghosts will come during the night. The ghost of Ted past was first. He showed Mike and Rico having fun hosting. The ghost then showed the moment the Mike lost faith in Ted. Next was the ghost of Ted Present (played by Brian Wohl). He showed Rico freaking out that Mike wasn’t hosting and showed that Mike leaving had turned Jared crazy. All he could say was “Tiny Timmy.” The ghost of Ted future (played by Pete Guither) showed Rico hosting with Jared, but Rico won’t admit that Mike’s gone. Then, Rico killed Jared. Mike realized his mistake and found his faith in Ted again. Mike wakes up and runs to Ted making it just in time to start Ted. “Theatre of Ted Enthusiastic Applause!”

The night got underway with the latest performance by Just Chris. Chris and his guitar returned for more improvised songs. Always funny, this time he included his friend Adam into some of the songs. A great job as always and, on a personal note, thank you Chris for telling everybody that I have syphilis in my eye. That was kind.

Erica and Bridgette were next with an Announcement. The announcement concerned needing help preparing for the Winter Ball. Good “piece” girls.

After that, Steve Nelson performed a monologue from Sexual Perversity in Chicago. The monologue is a classic in which the character is relating an extremely unusual sexual experience. There were flaming curtains and people making machine gun sounds. The piece is great, and a good choice for Steve. Next time, though, we suggested that Steve would be able to read the monologue better if he were a little more sober. Good work though.

Next, Yale performed a piece he called What’s Done is Done. He sang a song I call Changes. This wasn’t the first time he performed the song at Ted, but he said it would be the last time. I really enjoy the song. “And I don’t know which way to go from here,” is a perfect lyric Yale.

Tim returned with Stand Up. Tim is great at making the audience laugh and feel sympathy for him. His first story was about an encounter with a bath toy and his manhood. When Grandma brought him to the Emergency Room, she told him “We will never speak of this again.” Another story involved being searched at the airport and not being able to stand long. Finally, he told a story about being in a mall in New York and having his cousins pretend he was mentally disabled. He ended up pretending to be mentally disabled to the mall Santa. Hahahaha. Sorry Tim, but that’s a crappy position to be put in. Thanks for the performance.

To break up the action, Pete was next with a Video. The video was the music video for the song Tunak Tunak. It was hysterical to watch the entire group watch the goofy Indian dance video. Also, now more people understood where the dance came from that is performed during the song.

AIM Conversation was the next piece, staring Bridgette, Eric, and the Chad. Bridgette and Eric were talking online over instant messenger. The conversation started normally, but soon moved on to talk about the coming of Zombies among other things. The funniest part of the sketch was the Chad speaking anything that was typed that wasn’t a part of spoken conversation.

Standing up next was Zach with Stand Up. Zach told more stories about his dysfunctional family life. Apparently, Zach pretended to be blind while at Disney World in order to get around faster. His cover was blown when his brother threw a water bottle at Zach. Additionally, you have to respect Zach for describing the conviction of his brother at one point as being camparable to the conviction of a terrorist saying “So you want to die for Allah!” Good work.

Shotgun Kate with a Challenge was the name of Kate Smith’s puppet show. This puppet show told the history of the world in 10 minutes. Basicially it showed people fighting over rocks or oil. See the pictures on the website for a better understanding of this amazing piece.

Up next was Pete with Ted Merchandise. Pete explained that he got a bunch of Ted merchandise. We’re not talking about the Ted merchandise that’s in the Ted store (a link is on this website), but merchandise from the Ted Airlines. Either way, he wanted to give some of these items out. As a result, people from the audience came up and had to impress Pete with some sort of action in order to receive a Ted pin. There was lap dances, handsprings, promises to perform, and lots of other choices. About half the audience received a pin. Way to jump up audience.

Wingus were next with A Journey Holiday Giving. First, they covered the Dispatch song Two Coins. It was a wonderful performance. Next, they sang a new Christmas song that they wrote. The song was called Snowy the Snow Man. Snowy had a rough life, dealing with incest and rape. However, the song was really exciting, especially when Matt (a member of Wingus) started playing the piano with his feet.

Mark, our poet laureate, was onstage next with a Poem. I think the poem was called “As I Lay Living.” The piece was accompanied by some great music. Mark had interesting metaphors, and a strong sense of rhythm in the piece. I’d love to hear the poem again. I loved this piece.

Tim returned to the stage with a piece called Censorship. He explained that he is working on a project about censorship, and if anybody wanted to be involved in the project, they should contact him. I suggest that you use the Ted message board if you want to help him with this project.

Brian, Nick, CJ, Mark, and Matt jumped up with X-mas Improv. The scene they improvised was centered around a tape that was discovered of Santa’s workshop. The public discovered that the workshop is practically slave labor and that there is a Nazi element to Santa. An interesting piece, with a couple great laughs.

The Chad performed a piece he wrote called Modern Tragedy. He started off the scene talking over his cell phone like the guy in the Verizon Wireless commercials. However, Chad lost reception and was then desperately trying to connect to the person on the other end of the phone. This piece echoed Beckett, though with a modern technological twist.

Bridgette and Kate were up with a Naked Announcement. They explained that they had been a part of Living Canvas and that Pete had brought the projection equipment that was used for Canvas. After Ted ended, everybody was welcomed to stick around and play around in the projections just like they played in the show. It looked really interesting.

Craig with Poetry was an interesting experience this week. He read a poem he wrote about his grandmother. The poem had many interesting combinations of words, though I don’t always get Craig’s thought jumps. Still, it was a nice poem, and it’s been great to watch Craig’s growth as a performer over the semester. Rock and Roll Craig.

Ryan had Ross and Yale join him for his piece The Last Ball of 809. The piece was a drinking song for the after hours party that generally occurs after Ted. The song was catchy and put everybody in a great mood as the night was winding down. I felt honored to have a drinking song that referenced my apartment.

No Ted would be complete without CJ. This week his piece was called Why No Stand Up. CJ explained that he has an irregular heartbeat and had been put on tranquilizers. That’s right, CJ was all sorts of “stoned” at Ted. CJ! CJ explained this really quick and then told us not to tell Julie that he had gone up to perform at all, cause he was suppose to take it easy. Don’t worry CJ, we won’t tell. Wink, wink!

Clocking in at just less than 4 hours (okay, it was shorter than 4 hours) was the final piece of the evening, Justin with a Story. Justin began a story about a horrible trip to Cedar Rapids. The story is definitely a series of unfortunate events. The most unfortunate part was the fact that Justin forgot a couple major Ted rules. First, the piece was too long. Second, it was more of a Therapy of Ted experience. Good effort, decent material for a Ted piece, just trim the story to the essential elements next time.

With the story done, the night ended. “Theatre of Ted, Enthusiastic Applause!”



Performance pieces:

Just Chris

Erica and Bridgette with an Announcement

Steve with Sexual Perversity in Chicago

Yale with What’s Done is Done

Tim with Stand Up

Pete with a Video

AIM Conversation

Zach with Stand Up

Shotgun Kate with a Challenge

Pete with Ted Merchandise

Wingus with a Journey Holiday Giving

Mark with a Poem

Tim with Censorship

Brian, Nick, CJ, Mark, and Matt with X-mas Improv

Chad with Modern Tragedy

Bridgette and Kate with a Naked Announcement

Craig with Poetry

Ryan with The Last Ball of 809

CJ with Why No Stand Up

Justin with a Story






Piece(s) of the week:

Mark with a Poem

Shotgun Kate with a Challenge


Dare to Suck Award:

Justin with a Story

Steve with Sexual Perversity in Chicago


Jaw dropper:

Tim with Stand Up

CJ with Why No Stand Up


Super Secret Theme:

The Holidays and or Embarrassment.