Saturday, November 13th 2004
“Brian’s Big Adventure”
List of performers:
Nick “The Sandwich” Cardiff
Approximate Running Time:
2 hours and 5 minutes
Number of Pieces:
This was my first time hosting and it was a blast! Thanks to Mike and Rico for the great opportunity to host Theatre of Ted. What a week to host Ted, we had a bunch of controversy during the week concerning the “reviews” section of our little message board. I felt that we had to address this right away in the opener. So I wrote a sketch that I felt would set things right. Chris came in and announced to the crowd that he was going to tell the story in a style that we don’t normally do here at ISU, Melodrama! Mike and Diana held up signs during the night that had phrases such as “Yay!” “Boo!” “Masturbate Furiously!” and “Hot Chicks: Make out with Brian after the show.” We opened the story with Ted sitting on his couch and he was having a great day until he was attacked by Drunk guy (obviously a caricature of the drunk dude that invaded Ted the week before) and he started to berate Ted. Then Ted was attacked by Angry Girl, who hated Fair Maid and Phaedra. Ted was then attacked by the faculty (a dead-on impersonation by Nick Izzo). Just when it seemed that Ted wouldn’t make it, he was saved by The Knights of Ted. They rode in Monty Python-style with coconuts for galloping noises. Each knight represented an important facet of Ted: silliness, artistic integrity, and comradery. The Knight of Comradery defeated the drunk guy with water, the Knight of Artistic integrity defeated the faculty by a fun way, and the Knight of Silliness defeated Angry girl by having her and Ted hug. All was right with the world again until President George W. Bush came in and told us that he wanted to get his licks in on Ted while everyone else was attacking Ted. The Knight of Comradery handed our President a bag of white powder and the commander-in-chief ceased his attack on Ted and decided to join everyone at the after-party. All is now definitely right with the universe except the girls making out with Brian after the show… Theatre of Ted Enthusiastic Applause!
The first act of the evening was Lewis with Amazing Feats of Juggling. He used those devil sticks that were so popular in the mid-90s. Fun times. I almost thought about putting on some Nirvana and wearing some acid-wash jeans with holes in the knees.
The second piece was Cassidy Browning with “You Know What”. She came on the stage and asked any member of the audience who wanted to participate to grab some rubber gloves out of a box she had and put them on. She then asked everyone in line to reach up in to her “cooch” to take out whatever was stuck in there. Some of Cassidy’s friends took out a book on drama, a comedicly-long scarf, and a copy of the U.S. Constitution out of her “cooch”. Funny stuff. She then explained her actions of the past week and announced that she was going to start an online, academic journal that would take topic submissions. Professors would pose questions, dramaturgs would post research, and honest reviews of shows would be posted there. She gained the respect of everyone in the room for handling the situation well and showing everyone that everything is ok.
After that, Darryle and Jackie (two first-time-performers at Ted) told an amusing story about how Darryle’s roommate peed on her chair in their room. This story would start a whole mess of crazy at the end of tonight, but more on that later.
Then Ross told a joke about a class that had retarded kids and normal kids and they would identify animals that were described and the normal kids would shout “Yay retarded kids!”, but the joke eventually was on the Ted audience when Ross couldn’t remember the name of an animal and the audience gave him the name and he shouted “Yay retarded kids.” I love that joke.
Next up Nick Izzo gave a fantastic performance of a monologue from The Big Funk by John Patrick Shanley. He was rehearsing for the showcase auditions; I think it’s safe to say he’ll do well there.
After that, Tim Fak made his Ted debut with some stand-up about his life. He talked about how he once peed his pants in the 2nd grade and made the excuse “The paper towel did it!” The audience guffawed like I haven’t heard them guffaw in a long time. He also talked about his serious fear of dinosaurs, dinosaur bones, or anything of or having to do with dinosaurs. He told the story about how he and his family went to Epcot and went on the ride that show how energy is made. This ride took them back to the age of dinosaurs and Tim got freaked out and left the car. The ride stopped, Tim was embarrassed, and we all laughed at his misfortune. He had a great set and the audience loved it. I know we’re all looking to see what Tim does in the future.
Pete was up next with a question, he asked people if they wanted to have Ted on the 1st Saturday of fall break (Nov. 20) and enough people responded, so yay for Ted over break!
After Pete, came my roommate CJ Tuor with standup. He tried out some totally new material that hadn’t really been the type of stuff he’s done before. He had a set all about the differences between men and women. Solid set.
The ninth piece of the night was Ryan with a story about the most expensive trip to Best Buy he ever made. He talked about getting his Xbox to work and I understood about 3 words Xbox and Best Buy. Then his car was on fire people took pictures as he lit his cigarette on his flaming automobile. 2 girls stood with him and all he was worried about was his Xbox.
Then came Craig Sadur with stand-up. He talked about the voice of the elevator in Watterson and his passion for Ho-Hos. This routine hurt my head. He said he can read minds seeing people hanging themselves. The rest of the stuff I wrote down was all crazy weird fragments, like Craig’s routine.
Next were Nick Harden and Rob with Jasmine Jive. Nick read a poem about a girl that is older than him while Rob underscored it with some nice piano music. There was some great imagery and the wonderful phrase “Crack and Heroin sandwich with cheese” entered our lexicon of phrases we’ve learned at Ted already. The female Ted audience especially seemed to enjoy it as I noticed that most of them were just enthralled with every syllable of “Crack and Heroin sandwich with cheese”. I just love typing that, reading it, and saying it out loud. You should try it right now.
Next was a Connections sing along where the Connections kids sang “Happy Birthday” to Christina.
After that was an improv piece featuring Nick “The Sandwich” Cardiff, Nick “GS” Harden, Nick Izzo, and Rob playing the game, “Serious Scene”. They did a breakup scene and it was a big hit with the crowd, they even got Pete into it too and there was a great moment where they talked about how they love when Pete photographs them, and then they posed for Pete and he took a great shot of them that you can see in the Photos section.
Our 14th performance of the night was Jared Winkler with “Allay Unwanted Effects” a poem that he wrote about a girl he loved that laid her head in his lap. It was a really beautiful poem and all of the girls in the audience were swooning over Jared and his great poem.
Diana then plugged the Women’s Project and their show The Waiting Room.
Up next was Wingus with “How Wingus Came to Be”. This was in the style of a Tenacious D song, yet still was original and rocked the asses off of the Ted crowd. My favorite was the chorus that said, “It’s Wingus time Motherfuckers!” And Matt from Wingus, sang a song for his girlfriend for their one-year anniversary.
Next was Steve Nelson, who told a really disturbing story about how he went to Western Illinois University and heard an urban legend about how some girl got a disease from some dude by giving him a BJ and the disease could only be caught from dead people. Gross.
Chris was up next with a response to Darryle and Jackie’s story. He told the famous story about how his ex-roommate Pat and his girlfriend had sex while Chris was in the room. And Chris wanted to turn to them and say, “And now you say, ‘What a lovely tea party!’”
After this came a bunch of crazy/annoying stories about everyone’s roommates and whatever they did. Highlights were someone who had a collection of pee in apple juice containers and then a bunch of sex stories.
The final piece of the night was Gidge, The Chad, Lewis, Becca, and Allen with “Freestyle Moving”. This was basically 4 square moves with out a ball and they did it to nifty music.
Lewis with Amazing Feats of Juggling
Cassidy with You Know What
Darryle and Jackie with Two Unrelated Stories
Ross with A Joke
Nick Izzo with A Monologue
Tim Fak with Stand-up
Pete with A Question
CJ with Stand-up
Ryan with The Most Expensive Trip to Best Buy I Ever Made
Craig with Stand-up
Nick and Rob with Jasmine Jive
Connections Sing Along
Sandwich, GS, Izzo, and Rob with Serious Scene
Jared with Allay Unwanted Effects
Diana with Shameless Plug
Wingus with How Wingus Came to Be
Steve Nelson with Don’t Drink and Drive
Chris with Response to Darryle
A bunch of people with random stories that seemed to last forever
The Chad, Bridgette, Allen, Lewis, and Becca with “Freestyle Moving”
Piece(s) of the week:
Me and 9 awesome people in the Opener
Tim Fak with Stand-up
Dare to Suck Award:
CJ with some totally new Material
Tim Fak with Stand-up
Cassidy Browning performing and asking everyone to reach up her cooch!
Super Secret Theme: Weird roommate stories (There were 8 of them!).