Theatre of


Saturday, October 2nd 2004

“Movin On Up!”



List of performers:

Pete Guither

Wingus (send me your names, if you want them in here)

Hector Gonzalez


Craig Sader

Eric Rueff

Ross Frawley

April O’Neil (send me your names, if you want them in here)

Just Chris

Nick Harden


Chris Smith

Lisa Adams

CJ Tuor (if you can call it a performance)


Nick Mikula

Brian Wohl

Mark Muszynski

Dan Radcliff

Rico Natale

Jared Winkler

Bridgette Richards


Italics denotes a new performer at Ted


Approximate Running Time:

1 hour and 50 minutes


Number of Pieces:




175 people at our largest. A new record! That is sooo cool. Keep’em coming.


Schmueck’s Rant:

            Wow! This week we moved into the Allen Studio Theatre (Centennial East room 116). This was the old home of Ted and we were finally able to return Ted to its home. I know some people who have been at Ted since the rebirth felt a little weird in the Studio, but I loved it. We are nearing Ted’s goal. Ted is a democratic performance time. Someday, hopefully, Ted will be about the event itself, not about certain performers. This growth over the past years has been a drive towards that end. The goal seems close. I want to thank everybody who came to Ted this week. Also, a big thanks to Pete Guither for all his help. Finally, thank you to Dan Huffines and Matt Russell for their tireless efforts as the people who resurrected Ted. If it weren’t for you two, Ted would still be a memory. Thanks for showing me what Ted is and for starting the Ted following. I hope that we have done enough to live up to the standards that you set.


Host Notes:

Tonight began with a Presidential Debate between Bush and Kerry, or at least Rico, Jared, and my view on the first presidential debate. Kerry laid out his beliefs and plans on Iraq, while Bush simply said “Hard Work” and “Mixed Messages.” The difference between the two candidates was amazing. Kerry looked calm and Bush looked like an angry gnome. The debate ended with the real closing statements from the actual presidential debate. I hope everybody liked it.

First on this night was Pete with An Intro to the Space. Pete shared stories about how Ted used to be in the Allen Studio theatre, before it was even called Allen. He talked about how we should enjoy the new room and use it to the fullest.

Second this evening was Wingus with A Journey Through Space. This group of three musicians played two songs. The first song was called “Drinking Song.” It was a song about the effects of drinking and that fact that some woman caused the drinking. Memorable lines included comments on drunk driving that results in killing a bus of kids and then making 25 moms cry. It was very funny. The second song had lyrics based upon all the signs seen on a drive from Normal, IL to the Chicagoland area via I-55. “Lexington 1 mile, Lexington half a mile, Lexington that way.” I’ll be singing that song all week.

Zach was next up with Stand up. He did an abbreviated set this week, because he was getting over the flu. He talked about how the flu was a great diet and explained that he couldn’t eat at all. He actually cried in front of a pizza. Also, he was tired due to his position in the run crew for Crowns. I was just happy to see Zach moving around and laughing again. Good work.

Hector performed for the first time with Stories of Grandma. In this piece, Hector shared a wonderful experience he had with his grandmother before he left for college. Just imagine this 3-foot tall, plump grandma trying to talk to Hector about sex. She brought out a gift of 4 boxes of condoms for her grandson. They were of different types, including an assortment of colors. She explained that since he liked to color coordinate, he could use this color condom with this shirt, and this other color matched his skin tone, and so on. Finally, Hector shook his grandma by explaining that he’s gay. An amazing piece that reminded us all about those embarrassing family moments.

After that, Chris Smith gave us Some Less Artistic Publicity. He took a prat fall over some benches and told the audience that if they wanted to see the rest of the shit kicked out of him, they should see Fair Maid of the West. The show runs this coming weekend and has sword fights and fun. You should see it.

Coming up next was Nicki with a poem. This Nicki read a poem she had written about a secret love she has. How she wishes she could hold the person and that someday maybe they would be together. It was heartfelt and sweet. I tried to explain to her that I would be open to the option, but she explained the poem wasn’t about me. Sure, I believe her.

Just Chris made his return after a week off. His topics this week were the gyno and smurf sex. For the smurf sex piece, Chris brought up a friend named Nick. Nick joined in as a beat box artist. Never forget that “Gyno, one mile. Gyno, that way.” Good work Chris.

April O’Neil was the name of the next piece. This was another group of musicians. They also played two songs. The songs sounded beautiful. However, I couldn’t hear the lyrics to the song. A little word of advice, please try to sing loud enough so that the audience can hear you. We wanted to hear you. I wanted to hear you, but I couldn’t. Still, way to play guitar, I wish I could play.

CJ and Zach joined force with piece that was called a Sketch. In a parody of My Fair Lady, the two of them talked about the same Ted performers constantly doing the same types of pieces. They then made a bet where Zach could choose anybody that CJ would turn into a Stand up comic. If Zach won, he could have Julie for a night. If CJ won, he got $7. Zach picked Craig as the stand up to be. CJ tried teaching Craig with the phrase “What’s the deal with the vacuum seal on the airline meal.” Craig finally got the phrase said and CJ claimed that by next week Craig would be a good standup. We’ll see next week.

Brian, Mark, and Nick performed what they called the LP Boys. Another short piece that was poking fun at Rico, Jared, and myself. Actually, it made fun of Rico and Jared, but I seemed to turn out fine. Besides it wasn’t funny. Not that I’m jealous or nothing. No sir. Not me. The little fuckers.

Rob and Nick did A Piece about Linsay Lohen’s Hotness. Rob played the guitar while Nick sang/ told stories connected to Linsay’s hotness. They talked on and on about her boobs and her life. It was an interesting piece. From it we got the secret words of the night, bulging vagina. Good work from two new performers.

Bridgette performed something for The Chad. The Chad wasn’t around for Ted this week, but he heard such an amazing story from his Grandmother that he had to have it related at Ted. This Grandma had missed many weeks of school and wanted to catch up. However, her father and the teacher didn’t seem to think that hard work was necessary for a woman (remember this is in 1931). She persevered and graduated with straight A’s. Bridgette and Erica also announced that there is a meeting for help in organizing the Winter Ball. The meeting is Tuesday, October 4th at 5:30 in the Airport Lounge. We need your help to create an event that everybody can have fun at.

After all that, Eric was next with Incubus. He discovered that all Incubus songs are poems set to music. In order to prove this point, he read two songs to the audience. The first song was “Redefine” and the second was the more popular “Pardon Me.” Both songs worked great as poems. I particularly enjoyed how Eric performed the repetition of the words “Pardon Me.” He seemed to connect to the words of the song and give them great emotional meaning. Great job.

Chris and Nick with Art part 2. They made fun of Yale, who wasn’t in town this weekend. See, Yale likes to tag people and then say “Tag, no tag backs” whenever he gets the urge. I suggest against inside jokes boys. I enjoyed it, but the audience didn’t get it. Not that I don’t love you two. I do. I promise. That wasn’t a fling. What the three of us had was real… real…real bad. Oh well.

To bring a little class to Ted, Lisa came up with a Really Depressing Poem. The poem was written by Carl Sandburg about WWI (that’s short for World War One). It talked about the horrors of war and reminded the audience what other people our age are experiencing right now in Iraq and Afghanistan.

Ross came up with a piece called Dumb People. He sang part of a song that he had created based on another song, or a parody if you will. All I have to say is the first line was “Dumb people have no reason to be president.” Take that for what you will, but I was feeling you Ross.

Mother Fuckers was the name of the next piece. Dan Radcliff came up to the stage and beat boxed out a wonderful ditty about different types of motherfuckers. Bush was a negative motherfucker. Rico and I were smooth motherfuckers. You can’t describe Dan’s beat boxing, because it is as much about how he physically involves himself in the act of beat boxing, as it is the actual beat boxing. His flow was on and well appreciated.

Craig’s Poem ended the evening. To be honest, I heard some really interesting poetic connections and great imagery. Unfortunately, as he stood up there, all I could hear was my old host notes for Craig’s Random Corner. I kept saying stuff like “pickle walla stupid dip dap dop.” Still, it was nice to see a new side of Craig tonight.     

Well that was the evening. “Theatre of TED, enthusiastic applause!”


Performance pieces:

Pete with An Intro to the Space

Wingus with A Journey Through Space

Zach with Stand up

Hector with Stories of Grandma

Chris with Some Less Artistic Publicity

Nicki with a poem

Just Chris

April O’Neil

CJ and Zach with a Sketch

Brian, Mark, and Nick with the LP Boys

Rob and Nick with A Piece about Linsay Lohen’s Hotness

Something for The Chad

Bridgette and Erica with an announcement

Eric with Incubus

Chris and Nick with Art part 2

Lisa with a Really Depressing Poem

Dumb People

Mother Fuckers

Craig’s Poem





Piece(s) of the week:

Hector with Stories of Grandma


Dare to Suck Award:

Hector with Stories of Grandma


Jaw dropper:

Hector with Stories of Grandma


Everybody did great this week, but I was blown away by Hector’s story. For a first time performer to be that shocking, revealing, and hilarious; it was amazing. I dedicate this week to Hector’s Grandma. Who knows, with all that condom talk, maybe I have a chance.



Super Secret Theme: Tonight was a little political, or anti-Bush. It was also very musical, with nearly half the pieces having a connection to music. So we’ll call this secret theme the singing bush. (I love sexual innuendo!)