Theatre of


Saturday September 11th 2004




List of performers:

Pete Guither

Chris Smith

Julie Janus

Chris Petlak

Erica Schmueck

Lisa Adams

The Funny Johns (if you send me your names, IÕll add them)

Bridget Richards

CJ Tuor

Matt Schmalz and Mike Callahan

Nick Mikula

Brian Wohl

Mark Muszynski

Jessica Saxvik

Hillary Cull

Ross Frawley

Craig Sadar



The Chad

Jared Winkler


Italics denotes a new performer at Ted.


Approximate Running Time:

1 hour and 45 minutes


Number of Pieces:




155 peopleÉa new record for the rebirth of Ted. Congrats to everybody at Ted on Saturday. We may have to move on up to fit you all. Thanks.


SchmueckÕs Rant:

            Well, what an interesting beginning to a semester. We started the night down in CW 202, because we were locked out of CW 301. We finally got into 301 at about 5 to midnight, but at least we got to use our usual room. I loved seeing the huge crowd, and the pieces were great, but I am one demanding person. I ask you all to own Ted. Make it your own, cause I know I have. I hoe that this year you can find Ted to be a safe place to grow as an artist, or to make poop jokes (depending on who you are). ThatÕs all IÕll rant about.


Host Notes:

The night began with our new hosts, Mike and Rico. The tag team explained that Ted had won an award last year. Ted was given the Outstanding Social/Entertainment Program of 2003-2004. Unfortunately, this would mean that Ted would need to clean up its act. It would have to be first CLASS Ted all the way. Once everybody understood the rules, in barged a group of students who were creating a commotion. These students, mostly Sophomores and Juniors were all breaking the rules. They were loud, swearing, and obviously intoxicated. Trying to salvage the evening, we were thankful that at least there hadnÕt been any nudity. This hope was also crushed, and finally it was decided that we would just continue Ted in itÕs tradition of anything goes. HereÕs to another new year of Ted.

Next up, came Pete with the speech. The speech is given at the beginning of every new year of Ted. It explains a lot about what Ted is and what it is not. If you havenÕt heard the speech, check it out on the website. ItÕs under the section About Ted.

Chris Smith was next with a piece called Stranger than Fiction. He told us an amazing, but true story of a random guy who tried to sleep in ChrisÕs room and stole a sweatshirt before he left. On a side note, I promise I will return that sweatshirt as soon as I can determine where I put it.

Julie Janus rocked our world with Diary of a 10 Year Old Loser. This was a dramatic reading of her 10 year old diary as it pertained to one Mike Sinin (DonÕt know the spelling). She was madly in love with Mike and she wanted to make love to him, but still hadnÕt reached puberty. This proves that Ted is diverse; I never knew we had a trashy romance novel writer. Too bad he broke her heart.

The next performance was simply billed as Chris. Chris is new to Ted and brought a guitar up on stage. Instead of performing a known song, Chris took suggestions from the audience as to the topic of his music. His first song about a ŌmonkeyĶ turned into the rhythm of the Semisonic song Closing Time, with lyrics concerning a drunken hairy guy. His subsequent song about STDÕs and how much they hurt was extremely funny as well. I canÕt believe he called me out on giving him gonneria. Oh well.

On another sexual note Erica and Lisa performed the abcÕs. Erica was a little girl learning the abcÕs and Lisa was teaching the abcÕs using sexual words for each letter. I love the use of junk, but the part where my younger sister said penis in a baby voice was kind of confusing. I will mention that to my psychologist for months.

Funny Johns came up next with a gameÉthe game: Freeze. I havenÕt gotten any of their names, but I think there were 6 of them. I could hear one of them. Either way, another person took their shirt off at Ted and that is always interesting.

Story Time with Bridget seemed to bring us back together after Freeze. Bridget told a killer story involving a wolf. It was impassioned, it was energized, and it was short. But a nice addition to the night. I always love storytellers.

CJ Tuor with stand up, I wonder how many times these words are on the Ted website. CJ Tuor is our resident stand up comedian and he started off the new year with some new jokes. He decided that he was going to tread old ground, so he joked about airline food. I agree that itÕs a good thing the airliners focus on flight, not food. He also talked about drinking in the dorms and how lazy bastards could become math geniuses if 30 packs of Keystone Light were involved more in mathematics. Always a pleasure.

Matt Schmalz and Mike Callahan appeared with a scene titled Nippleless in Seattle. This was random snippets of life discussions. I love when conversations get sidetracked, so this was a great sketch in my book. They discussed trying to define cool in four different ways, the difference between gloves and mittens, and a movie idea involving aliens without nipples. A description cannot do this piece justice. Good work.

Nick, Brian, and Mark stepped up with Why We DidnÕt Get Cast. They decided to show their monologues from general auditions. First up, Brian performed his piece from Star Trek 2, playing the part of Captain James T. Kirk. I have never heard anybody yell ŌKhan!Ķ with such conviction. Mark was second with his piece from Star Wars, playing the part of Imperial Officer #2. Look up his two lines if you dare, because they are one of the most magnificent examples of dialogue ever writtenÉbesides Shakespeare, Ibsen, and every other writer youÕve ever heard of. Nick was last with his piece from The Seagull, playing the part of the Seagull. He can really flap his wings.

In honor of the next performance, called CraigÕs Random Corner, I will randomly write words for this host note. Tip top shelf brown cockadoodledoo. Pink pop, hip hop, slama jama. If explicative truth door closing, easy friends McGee.

After that insanity came Justin with How to Get a Girlfriend. He stood on a chair, picked his nose, and then stuck half his pinky finger up his nostril. I would have been his girlfriend after that showing. Anything can happen at Ted.

Pete returned with a piece called Drug War Follies. Pete took the time to inform us of events over the summer that connects to the drug war. We played a little game of true or false. Who would have guessed that drugs can get you 63 years in prison, but raping a 10 year old can only get you 11 years in prison. Another clue as to the influential power of the Catholic priests. If you want to know more, there is a link on this website to PeteÕs website about the drug war. I suggest that you get involved and stay informed.

Kelly came up front next with How I Spent my Summer Vacation. She discussed her list of people that sheÕs made out with, and the fact that she spent all summer trying to beat her roommateÕs number of make-out persons. I didnÕt even know it was a competition.

Finally, Chad begged people to play 4-square after Ted was done. ThatÕs all. The hosts thanked everybody for the 1st Ted of the year and brought the evening to a close with the words, ŌTheatre of TED, enthusiastic applause!Ķ


Performance pieces:

Pete with the speech

Chris Smith with Stranger than Fiction

Julie with Diary of a 10 Year Old Loser


Erica and Lisa with abcÕs

Funny Johns with a game

Story Time with Bridget

CJ Tuor with stand up

Matt Schmalz and Mike Callahan with Nippleless in Seatle

Nick, Brian, and Mark with Why We didnÕt get Cast

CraigÕs Random Corner

Pete with Drug War Follies

Kelly with How I spent my summer Vacation

Chad begs people to play 4-square





Piece(s) of the week:

Julie with Diary of a 10 Year Old Loser

Matt and Mike with Nippleless in Seattle


Dare to Suck Award:

CraigÕs Random Corner


Jaw dropper:

Brian WohlÕs entrance

JustinÕs pinky in the nose