Theatre of


“Grand Finale”

Saturday November 15st 2003


List of Performers

Matt Russell

Chad Wise

Dan Huffines

Laura Merchant

Nick Izzo

Enrico Natale

Jared Winkler

Caitlin Barlow

Pete Guither

Steve Yap

Tom Pleviak

Mike Schmueck

Adam Rosowitz

Ricky Rodreguiez

Niki Manatias

Jessi Kramer

Elyse Heinrich

Brandy “B.J.” Hansen

Mike Martillo

Al Daniels

Erica Schmueck



C.J. Tuar

Mark Muzinski

Chris Smith



Nick Micula

T.J. Velasquez

Jeff Blum

Nicki ___(sorry still don’t know)


*italics denote a new performer at TED


Approximate Running Time:

An Epic TED no other way to describe it: 3 hours 42 minutes


Number of Performance pieces:

Are you ready for this?

42…that ain’t a typo 42 performance pieces (there were actually 47 signed up but some people dropped their piece due to the extreme length of time. WOW.



119 one hundred nineteen people, it took 2 years, but we broke 100!


Russell’s Rant:

Earlier this week, I had been telling people who had not come to TED all semester to come to this last one because it was going to be big, and super sweet. Little did I know that even my biggest hopes were to be exceeded this week. 119 people? 47 original sign ups for performances? These figures seem mythical to me even now, AND I WAS THERE FOR THE ENTIRE SHOW! This evening was equivalent to combining 3 TED’s of this year together. MASSIVE. There was good, and there was bad, but due to some clever arranging on the clipboard (heh-heh-heh) I tried my best to balance pieces, so we wouldn’t have 4 songs one right after the other. Enough typing here, I’m going to have carpoltunnel syndrome after writing these host notes.



Host Notes:

<deep breath> here we go…


The night started out with Agent Russell addressing the crowd as batteries and how Theatre of TED is an anomaly within the Matrix and that he was there that night to stop it. When none other than Chad Wise walked through the door shades on and black trench coat worn. The final fight music from Matrix Revolutions started,

Agent Russell: Mr. Wise….welcome back….we missed you. Like what I’ve done with the place?

Wise: It ends Tonight

Agent Russell: I know I’ve seen it, that’s why the rest of Ted is going to just sit here and watch while I beat you.

And then the slow motion fighting began with strobe light lightening and it was swee—anyways

The two titans knew that the only way to finish the TED was together by TEAM HOSTING.


First up the return of REVEREND HUFFINES…my goodness it has been quite a while since the good reverend had come to TED. But he graced us with all of his glory and gave us an immense sermon saying that Dan Huffines, 24-year-old virgin, was dead and in his place was the Reverend. The Reverend had a few commandments to say such as:

Commandment number 4:





Is not okay to say.


And Commandment number 2:

Homosexuality should be classified as a disease, that way you can call in queer to work.


A delightfully offensive and over the top piece, Bless you Reverend.


Scotty D with a Teaser was next…and boy oh boy what a teaser. Scott and his roommates, Dan Huffines, Matt Russell and Nick Izzo were making a short film in the very few spare moments they would all have. Scott had made a teaser trailer on a DVD and decided to show us at TED that evening…however the real “tease” here was that the DVD player would not play the DVD. Bummer. And that was the BEST TEASER EVER.


Laura and Adrienne were next with Dildo Penis Envy, their singing of a popular song…it must not be that popular cause I forgot to write down the song title. The Song was well rehearsed and the pipes and chords were great.


Nick and Dan with an improv were next. Nick asked for a location and relationship and and – Scott Danielson, Caitlin Barlow, Nick Mikula, Katie Clifford (members of the improv mafia) jumped up and kicked Nicks ass saying “you either improv with us or you don’t improv at all.” All Dan could manage was “Damn you improv mafia”


Nick Izzo did his classic reading of the Allen Notebooks, doing his patented Woody Allen impersonation. If you haven’t seen Izzo do Allen, you are missing a real treat.


Rico and Jared w/ a Rejected Scene was next where they kept discussing the same thing over and over again by answering questions with different statements.

“Is that cotton?”

“The Bus is over there!”

I think you had to be there on this one folks, but it was friggin hilarious.


Caitlin Barlow jumps to the floor to bitch about certain things pertaining to certain people but we won’t go into detail here.


A Brief History was Next. Chad Wise got up and explained exactly what the TED folklore was surrounding the person pooping into a bucket was all about, but he explained it with some action figures. Which made it really funny. Most of the faculty were represented by Simpsons Action Figures, like the Mr. Burns Jack McLaughlin Gray, and the Ms. Hoover, Deb Alley figures. Classic. A very entertaining story of history brought alive.


Pete Guither was next with his usual Soapbox Drug Rant, this time it centered around a high school where police made all the students lay down with their hands behind their heads face to the floor while the police (complete with unholdstered firearms) checked every locker for drugs, and there were NO drugs to be found in the entire school…this is a deprivation of human rights people and a stop must be put to this stupid drug war that is helping no one.


Adrienne w/ even more shit was next. Adrienne read from a book that she had read from before that was her favorite book since it centered on fecal matter and Adrienne loves poop jokes. An amusing read if a bit too long, but funny parts sprinkled here and there.


Reality Beat was next. Steve Yap and Tom Pleviak (on desk drums) performed a rhythmic piece that pertained to reality television being the bane of existence on the television nowadays. It was pretty well thought out, however I had trouble hearing Steve and I was in like the first row.


Uncle Chad’s Poetry hour was next and Chad started it off by parodying the Previous Sketch, by beating out “But—newlyweds---is real—fucking—funny” classic.

Chad did some “dramatic” readings from a coloring book and a script analysis I believe all to the tune of some old Chicago Jazz music.


Next up was Mike with a very SPECIAL scene. Mike told the audience that “bobby” was going to come up to the stage and perform a line from a scene. “Bobby” then announced that “I’m gonna do a sceeeene.” And Bobby read the line from streetcar named desire so well. “stella.”

“No louder bobby”


You get the picture.


Next up was A TED Classic.

Now this was a piece that Adam and I had performed last year, and it got a shot of me in the act in the Vidette…Twice. The piece also went over very well when I did it last, and I had never repeated a piece at TED before, so I was a bit apprehensive in doing the piece again. But enough about that, Adam Rosowitcz and I performed Naughty Monkey (or the eternal struggle, see host notes October 5, 2002) one more time…Hope that people enjoyed it.


Ricky Gave a Spanish lesson next by re-enacting a terrible Spanish verb, tanner. (Im not sure if that is correct, its just what I got in the notes.) A hilarious piece that seemed to get the audience rocking on its second wind.


Tom Pleviak and Niki Manatias performed a song from into the woods I think, and it was the one where the wolf was singing to red riding hood…I think that was what it was from…if not don’t kill me!


Speaking of Dead the audience kinda looked it, this is where we had our intermission for the night, Back in TEN…









Ok back to TED.

The attendance dropped off a bit here, but surprisingly not a ton, maybe 15 people chose this time to leave….


Tom Pleviak once again did his Sandwich Story that he had done at the first new TED some almost 2 years ago, About a Man who fell in love with his sandwich and then the sandwich was eaten by a big fish…then I had to get all sentimental and remember that that particular skit was why I started performing at TED in the first place.


Mike Schmueck was next with A Drunken Bitter Ramble…which wasn’t any of those, basically he just wanted to say thank you for having TED around. TED should most likely be thanking Mike for having him around.



THE C-Squad! These “cheerleaders” were responding to all the A and B squads out there. The two members of C-Squad in their black outfits with silver C’s glued on their shirt, were fantastic. Those girls could move and they had a very entertaining dance routine. What a great way to demonstrate the daringness of our motto and let me tell you, they did NOT suck.


Tom Pleviak was back for more with his radio commercial for McGregor’s Kilts, a silly little piece where it was advertised that there was a sale at McGregor’s’ due to lack of interest.


Brandy “B.J.” Hansen was next with her acapella song Your House. This, once again, was an emotional number that had a pleasant melody to go along with the somberness of the song.


Rico and Ricky were next with their hilarious potty humor piece, You wanna Go???

The two guys were sitting on chairs asking each other to be the one to “go “ first…no one knew that they were both trying to pee out of their ass. And that Rico was successful.



Mike and Al were next with their song number Not quite as old friends, they had taken song lyrics from Paul Simon, translated them to German using Alta vista, and then translated the German back to English and sang the lyrics (or tried to sing the lyrics) back to the audience tonight. Some really silly uses of broken English were the result in famous songs, fun stuff.


Erica Schmueck was next with a little poem. A short heartfelt reading of an interesting poem. Not much else to say here folks.


Emily with a song again was next and decided to sing half of a song from AIDA. Once again it was sung well and sung good. It was all well and good. Nicely done again.


It’s time once again for C.J’s Stand-up. And also once again C.J. amused us all, and we needed it cause the audience was looking kinda bleek again and we were only about 2/3 of the way through the night. C.J. Had such memorable lines like:

“I never have to worry about putting my drink down at a party…its pretty hard to slip a date rape drug into a juice box.”


“Telling me to watch out for having too many sex partners is like telling penguins to fly.

Sure it has wings, but they are just gonna stay limp at its side.”

C.J. has really got a carreer ahead of him with this. I can’t wait to see him on comedy central or HBO or live in concert some day. It almost feels like a crime that we get to watch him for free.


Tristan was up next with a song, I he had commented that he forgot his do-hicky to his guitar to make the chords all be pressed down, so he sang the radiohead song that he liked in a different key. A difficult challenge, but he did a nice job, way to go.


Mark and Chris presented a fallacy in the form of Trojan Condoms…after reading about what the Trojan war was known for (a thing accepted into the walls of another’s territory that spewed forth thousands of men) thought it was odd that Trojan would go after a brand name like that…


R.J. III and Justin w/ the birds and the bees were next with their signature throw-a-million things-at-the-dart-board-and-go-with-what-doesn’t-stick improv philosophy.

This time about a boy and his dad, talking about the birds and the bees. Odd, very odd.


Ricky was next up with a poem, and It was another good one, read very well and it seemed to connect with the audience.


Casual Greetings I, II and III, umm…really really hard to explain here…R.J. and Justin would walk across the room and exchange an odd greeting. For example:

“How are you doing?”


See what I mean…


Mark and Nick with an “improvised scene” was next where the two let the audience decide who was going to be the female in that scene, and it turned out to be nick…surprisingly he was already dressed for the part. Basically they took famous Shakespearian text and went crazy with it as only they could.


T.J. with lullaby by Billy Joel was next. T.J. had brought his huge electric piano and played splendidly, as well as sang wonderfully not missing a lyric, and I should know cause Billy Joel is my favorite Songwriter ever. An EXCELLENT representation of the B mans work T.J.


Now, It’s the News with Caitlin and Jeff.

This edition of It’s the news featured Teen Pop sensation Britney Spears and also featured Children’s story author of Uh-Oh I gotta go, Bob McGrath.

“Britney” came out wearing nothing but a skirt and duct tape over her nipples.

Bob came out very stylishly dressed for a childrens book author. And britney pronounced Bible, (bib-ill).

It appears the NRA has issued a recall on handguns because they may cause serious injury or death.

Best and worst of 2003

Not going to be repeated here…

Adlet is the plastic on the end of a shoelace

And hilarious potty humor jokes abundant.


Tom Pleviak was back again with 1 more song, this time it was enyas May it be, from lord of the rings. Tom performed it splendidly, even though this song was ridiculously hard.


Nicki was next w/ political diatribe, a chosen piece of reading from Al Franken’s book Rush Limbaugh is a big fat idiot. Good stuff.


Steve Yap did his third performance of the night by using a blowtorch to illustrate how to make bombs or something…I really don’t know cause I was freaking dead by this time it was 3:30 in the morning.


Then the finale skit for the evening and this was where it paid off to be a super trooper and stay the entire evening, Uncle Chad’s Nekkid Time…

Not much will be said on this event, lets just say the nudity was justified, and 3 people now have Evil Dead the musical CD’s just like Sam Raimi and Bruce Campbell. There were only 50 CD’s in existence and three of them belong to students on campus.


And with that:

“Theatre of TED enthusiastic Applause”



Performance Pieces

Intro/What is the TED?

The Return of Reverend Huffines

A Teaser

Laura and Adrienne w/ Dildo Penis Envy

Nick and Dan w/ an improv

Rico and Jared w/ a rejected scene

Caitlin bitch session

The Allen Notebooks

A Brief History

Pete Guither w/ High School

Adrienne w/ even more shit

Reality Beat

Uncle Chad’s Poetry Hour

Mike w/ a very SPECIAL scene

A TED Classic / Naughty Monkey

Ricky w/ a Spanish lesson

A song w/ Tom Pleviak and Nikki Manatias

(10 minute intermission)

A Story w/ Tom Pleviak / Sandwich Story

Mike w/ a Drunken Little Ramble


Tom’s Radio Commercial

Brandy w/ Your House

Rico and Ricky w/ You wanna Go???

Mike and Al w/ Not Quite as old Friends

Erica w/ a Poem

Emily w/ a song again

C.J. with some Stand-Up

Tristan w/ a song

Mark and Chris w/ a Fallacy

R.J. III and Justin w/ the Birds and the Bees

Ricky w/ a poem

Casual Greetings I

Mark and Nick w/ an improvised scene

T.J. w/ lullaby by Billy Joel

Casual Greetings II

It’s the News w/ Jeff and Caitlin

Tom Pleviak w/ one more song

Nicki w/ Political Diatribe

Casual Greetings III

Donnelle’s Bra

Steve Yap w/ a Response to Uncle Chad’s Poetry Hour

Uncle Chad’s Nekkid Time





Performance Piece(s) of the week:


C.J. with some stand-up

The Return of Reverend Huffines


Mike and Al – Not quite as old friends

Rico and Ricky w/ You Wanna Go???

T.J. with lullaby

A Brief History

Uncle Chad’s Nekkid time



Dare to Suck award:



Steve Yap adding the 41st piece of the evening when we were almost done

Anyone who read from a freakin’ book



During the Mark and Nick’s Improvised scene, where Mark tossed a quarter and it landed perfectly on top of the light above their head…it couldn’t be done again if it was tried


Mike Schmeuck, Caitlin Barlow and Brandy Hansen stripping to their birthday suits for a limited edition copy of the Evil Dead the musical soundtrack CD.




The “shoulda-saved- it- for- next- semester- due- to- the- extreme- amount- of- performance- pieces- for- this- evening”Award:


Tom Pleviak

Steve Yap

Anyone reading from a book yet again



Super Trooper Award:


Anyone who stayed for the entire gauntlet of this TED and you know who you are!


These-individuals-truly-made-this-TED-a-grand-finale Award:


Mike Schmeuck

Caitlin Barlow

Jeff Blum

Rico Natale

Jared Winkler

Ricky Rodregiuez

Chad Wise

Pete Guither

C.J. Tuar

Dan “huffer-duffer” Huffines

Brandy “B.J.” Hansen

Adam Rosowitz

*you guys either had a huge impact with your material, continually put up “A” game, or have made sacrifices for this TED, Thank You.


Super Secret Hidden Theme of the WEEK:



HOORAY! I love toilet humor and there was quite a bit.



Used in I think 3 different skits



Many pieces doused the lights


*hidden themes are the unintentional repetition of something throughout the TED of that week.