Saturday October 4th 2003
Welcome all you Ted bastards. First of all, for those of you who weren't at Ted this weekend, good for you. Way to choose to do something better with your time than waste it supporting your fellow "artists" and watching a lot of "good" "comedy" and "singing." My name is Dale Stockton. I was host this week for the craptastic hour and 40 minutes of Ted. I hate Ted. I will destroy Ted. Ted will bow before me. Hahahahahahahaha! Just you wait!
For now, I guess I'll give you the low down on all that happened at this weeks Theatre of Dead.
List of Performers
Dan Huffines Ð didn't actually show up, or he'd still be crying. (just needed to threaten him)
Matt Russell- I will make him suffer
Matt Russell (MMR)
Daniel Oltman (I don't care if I spelled it wrong!)
*italics denote a new performer at TED
Approximate Torture Time:
1 hour and 40 minutes
Number of Performance pieces:
22, though only 2 (my own) were any good
Like I care, but I bet at least 60 people sent me death threats already.
Okay, so the show started off the best way it possibly could. I walked out and started talking to the audience. Take a look at me with my great tie and good-looking jacket. Anyway, I explained how I was hosting because I have pictures of Matt that he doesn't want leaking to his father (his mother wouldn't want the photos out either, but I think the rubber ducky would enjoy the publicity though). I came to destroy TED because the show had been soo mean to me in the past (check host notes gone by). So I tried to read an excerpt from the literary theory book A Postmodern Reader, but in the middle of a stirring passage about meta-narratives, Matt Russell came up and spit soda on my book, then on my crotch. So I started the show.
Okay first up came one of three installments of a piece called a little bit of culture. It was performed by the same Matt Russell. All three had good music, but disgusting jokes. One involved fecal matter exiting the urethra. Horrid.
Next up was Kusar with a song she wrote called "Terra Paranoia." I like the name, because terrorists scare me. She sang for a while before I noticed that she wore the same thing I saw her in a year and a half ago. The song wasn't horrid, but she still deserved a swift kick to the ass for singing it at this show for bad comedy. Art isn't what this show is about.
Okay, now came up a worse sing along than last week...actually that was the name of the piece and the name fit. Adrienne played a cd and tried to sit down. Finally, she started to dance with Lisa Adams and Tyson. They dragged my ass up there, but I just went limp and knocked people over.
Matt Russell, the imitation, not the original, was up next with a reading from a book by Marilyn Manson. It was called how to tell if you're cheating on your girlfriend. I saw some guys in the audience taking notes, cause they weren't sure if they had been faithful. You bunch of sinners. Matt also kissed me while I was trying to read over his shoulder...his beard was too rough.
Next up was Chris Smith with Flashdance 101. Actually, Chris was mostly a prop, a large prop in this scene. This scene actually involved the undynamic duo of Nick, Mark, and R. J. These three seem to be the next Lake Park boys. They definitely appear to be as openly homosexual with each other as that Mike Schmueck and Enrico Natale. And they don't come up with funny sketches, just like the Lake Park boys use to. They found a note in his pocket and read it out loud, with its funny instructions on what to do with Chris's immovable body. The audience got involved, all jumping in to hump Chris. I think the most important lesson learned was "When they say (pause)... they mean yes."
After this event, I made a comment concerning the girth of one Mr. Chris Smith, and he attacked. He tried to carry me out of the room. Luckily, I tossed a twinkie out of the room and he chased. Thus, the show continued.
Sarah brought another song to sing a-long to, so we sang. It was fun...whoooeee. (This was sarcasm for those of you who don't know). I mean who actually enjoy the song Baby Got Back? Honestly!?!
I tried to start reading more from my Postmodern Reader, but then Jeff started to undress me. I'll be honest, it was confusing. I don't like nudity. I hate it, but his hands were really warm...well moving along...
Ricky Rodriguez brought in a guitar that was worth more than his life and played a slow blues number. I wasn't sure who he was trying to seduce, but it probably didn't work. Who likes those chiseled, funny, dark, Latin men anyway. Not me, that's for sure.
Lisa came up next and had everybody enjoy a group hug. Wierdos.
I got a brownie from the Bakery of Ted, that was given to me. I'll be honest, at this point I was beginning to not feel soo bad about Ted.
Sarah returned to bitch about work. This is something I can get into. I'm a carpet salesman by day and a professional heckler by night. If she thinks working in retail is bad, I should give her an education. Alison gave her a nice back rub while she bitched about why work sucks. I didn't know it had become Therapy of Ted so early in the year, but I could relate so okay.
Steve, Bob, and Drew were up next, and they sang the song Breathe, by Pink Floyd. It gave me a horrible flashback to 1982. I was drunk in LAX and puking in the women's restroom sink, when I heard the musac version of that song. I nearly cut my ears off with the edge of a tampon dispenser. This version was much more agreeable. Steve has an interesting singing voice, I really liked his hard hat, and his dance moves are inventive. Good work.
Tyson, Lisa, and Alison decided to sing a Beatles song. I don't know the name, because I never got into them. They weren't that big where I grew up. However, they had some nice harmony and they smiled a lot. It was strange though, these three Aryan nation poster children singing about being friends. Their blonde hair, blue eyes, and fair skin made me want to eat some cheese.
Sarah jumped up to announce that she had not been self-conscious that day. I don't have the heart to make fun of her for that. Maybe if I had a better self image, I wouldn't have to go around insulting others. Maybe it's just a defense mechanism. Maybe, just maybe, it's a reaction to crappy pieces like this one though.
Pete Guither came up next with his latest drug war rant. Aparently, the US government doesn't believe in fair trials, or fair legal practice, or fair policing anymore. I'd like to say that he wasn't that long this week, and that if you want more info, use the link on this website to see his website.
Jumping up to perform an improv scene, Jeff went up to do another installment of his Worst Roommate Ever series. Apparently, this roommate likes to annoy. Well, what a perfect person for you to live with. I am so pissed that I didn't even get to make fun of you and Caitlin doing the news this week. I am very disappointed in the both of you. I wanted to make fun of you.
MMR returned to the stage to read again from his book. This time it was a section called How to Know if You're Gay. Unfortunately, I supposedly fall under this category, just because I listen to The Smiths. They are a great band, don't knock The Smiths. Some people just have no respect. Asshole.
Adrienne returned to the stage to perform the second piece at Therapy of Ted for the evening. She complained about her crappy day and her crappy parents, and the horrid puke she had expelled the evening prior, and how her parents didn't understand Ted. Hon, they understand, that's why they don't like it. I'm sure they hate everything you do. And they're probably right to have this opinion, because you wear a scarf.
Nick returned to the stage to explain that until he got laid he wasn't going to eat, or was it sleep? I can't remember, I was thinking about chocolate pudding. Anyway, he tried to leave and Mark came up and tried to jump him. Good luck Nick, I hope you don't die, unless you want to die at Ted and then get the place shut down. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!
Finally, Matt Russell returned to the stage for a reenactment of his favorite moment in Amadeus. Next time, he should wake up before he comes on stage to perform.
The show had ended and I was actually enjoying myself. As a result, I thought it would be good to apologize and shake Matt's hand. He kicked me in the balls. I hate TED...but I will destroy it yet, oh yes I will! Hahahahahhahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!
A little bit of culture pt. 1
Kusar with a song
Worse singalong than last time
How to Know if You're Cheating on Your Girlfriend
Sarah with Singalong
A little bit of culture pt. 2
Ricky Rodriguez with a song
Lisa with A simple request
Sarah with A Bitching spree
Steve, Bob, and Drew with Breathe
A little bit of culture pt. 3
Condensation of the Synapses
Sarah with an Announcement
Pete's Drug War Rant #4,278,399
Worse Roommate Ever pt. 2
How to Tell if You're Gay
Adrienne on the couch at Therapy of Ted
Nick with Blue Balls
Best of Amadeus
Performance Piece(s) of the week:
Like I care...it's Condensation of the Synapses by Lisa, Alison and Tyson, cause it was purdy sounding (da Beatles).
Plus I liked Kusar's song cause she wrote some good lyrics.
Dare to Suck award:
Nick with his "I need to get laid" piece...he really was daring people to suck.
We have a couple this week:
Super Secret Hidden Theme of the WEEK:
This is a tough one...there were two themes.
1. Music...everybody and their mother sang tonight, or brought in cds.
2. Pain... for me.
PS- Hey this is Mike Schmueck. I want to thank everybody, hope I offended some of you, cause that's what Dale's for. No hard feelings (Unless you're MMR...get it? Hard...erection? Hello? Do you need a diagram?).
PPS- Hey this is Dale. I'll be back, and Ted won't survive next time.