Saturday September 13th 2003
List of Performers
*italics denote a new performer at TED
Approximate Running Time:
First TED of the year lasted Approximately 1 hour and 22 minutes
Number of Performance pieces:
18...and a half (read notes for details)
Hi. Welcome back for another great season of THEATRE OF TED!!! I was very excited in getting TED back up on its feet this year, and it seems that many others are just as excited as I. Namely the wonderful TED committee who are doing a bang-up job in scheduling and working together for the benefit of TED. This is a new column in which I kinda give my own opinion on the night. If you missed the first TED this year, you really missed something special. It was definitely a different flavor. After all this was the first time I took the stage as the main Host of TED....and I was nervous as hell. I have performed God knows how many pieces (60+ I imagine) here and I'm nervous on opening night. Well enough sentimental bullshit. This TED was an excellent one to show a huge variety of what might happen at TED. Everything from songs, to skits to nudity was displayed here. If you missed it, too bad. If not then I hope you enjoyed it and will continue to come and support TED. On with the Host Notes.
Before I start here, I must give a very big thank you to Sam Nauschwanger. She was the first contributor to the TED concession stand Idea, as well as the official scribe of notetaking of the evening. From now on she'll be taking raw notes and then I'll jazz ‘em up with funny.
The evening started out when Matt Russell stood silently and stared at the audience. The audience started applauding and Matt gave the enthusiastic battle cry Welcome to Theatre of TED, ENTHUSIASTIC APPLAUSE. Matt worked the audience up and as a result of the energy he felt in the room he announced that he felt a song comin' on.
Matt Proceeded to Sing a song entitled "All I care about is TED" to the tune of Chicago's "All I care about" A saucy little song and dance which explained a bit about what TED is about.
Matt then decided that since there were a lot of new faces that he had not seen at TED before that he would open up the floor to a Question and Answer session for the audience. The Questions were usually answered with an example.
Q: is profanity allowed at TED?
A: F--- YOU! Next question.
It all ended when Ross asked " what about nudity?"
Matt said that he would let Mike Schmueck answer that Question
Mike came out in his birthday suit to the shock and surprise of the audience and told them that he intended to re-enact the very first skit ever performed at TED and proceded to do a few jumping jacks. Mike was completely well received and I believe got a standing ovation.
After the rather long INTRO, at last TED could begin.
What's all this then? A phone call why who could it be? It is none other than Cap'n Redbeard himself, PETE GUITHER. Pete asked me to tell the audience that he was sorry that he couldn't be there this week but he would be there next week and sorry for giving Ted such a crappy host. Pete also mentioned that he had oatmeal crumbs in his beard.
First up was Becky Kusar with a song. I do not know the name of the song but it would probably be something like "Open arm welcoming me home" Kusar is always appreciated to serenade us with her wonderful voice.
Next up The Deadly Duo of Rico, Ricky and Jared....pause to let you think about that one....wait for it.....wait for it....ok you got it! The skit was an improved meeting in Dunn Barton 4 where three guys on the floor were having a meeting while it looked like they decided to kill one of the floor members who's dead body was blocking the door to the bathroom and Phil had to use the bathroom really really bad. This piece really was hilarious, and no description really can do it justice. "There's a lot of negative energy here"
Maren decided to enlighten us with a poem written by Kate Smith entitled "Night Vision" The poem was about driving at night while thinking about an accident that might kill someone...not exactly happy time but intelligent nonetheless.
Nick Lamb came to TED with an announcement, and decided to ask us all to visit the website www.savestephanie.org which is a site dedicated to an 11 year old girl with cancer and they need money in order to keep her alive since they can not afford the operation and the family is going bankrupt. Otherwise she might not make it to 12 years old. Nick pleaded with us to take a look at the site, if we could send money he recommended that we did, and if not then at least put the girl in our prayers.
Next up Dan Huffines decided to turn down the lights and make a Public Service Anouncement. Dan talked about how there is so much discrimination centered around sex and that we should stop discriminating against sex entirely...which is why he is making a call for necropheliacs. Both sexes have advantages for men the women cant complain or say no when they are dead, and for women an alive man can't compare with one with the staying power of rigermortis. After all don't we all want to know how formaldehyde is as a lubricant?
Now it is Caitlin and Jeff with It's the News. Caitlin got up there and was talking to "Jeff" (who was absent) and proceeded to begin the news show. Without Jeff but broke down crying when Mike Schmueck told her that Jeff wasn't really there.
The next skit tried to answer the question Why Caitlin can't sleep at night. This skit was supposed to have Caitlin Scheib in it, however she was unable to make the show, so RJ III, Mark Buenning, Mark Mustynski, and Nick Mikula substituted Caitlin Barlow instead. The Skit centered around the Ewoks song at the end of The Return of the Jedi while a guy started working out intensely and another guy was doing a dance. An odd piece but hey we need something at ted every week to say "damn, that's weird"
Can a brother get a table dance? we might not ever know cause Anthony DeMarco decided to name his piece that, however he decided to read a small amount of poetry from Walt Whitman. A very nice short reading that seemed to be enjoyed and appreciated by all. I was really hoping for some sort of table dance, oh well that's what the strip clubs are for...
Next up was Caitlin and Donnelle with a Female commentation on TLC daytime programming. A really short piece where Caitlin was wearing a band aid over her left eye and Donnelle asked why....lets just say Caitlin's boyfriend liked to use other holes.....ick.
Steven Yap (even though he has graduated) decided to run a piece by us that was a bit contrivercial in nature. It was entitled Distopian Reality TV. This piece centered around Steve's wanting of seeing television programming take a turn to the dark side where Leave it to Beaver had a hugely dark turn...like June Cleaver becoming an alcoholic after her husband left her for a secretary cause she likes it in the @$$. I for one don't really want to see a program like that, I think I would settle for some cartoons instead. But everyone is entitled to their own opinion.
Dan Radcliff came up to the stage with An Anouncement. Dan announced that Freestages Deadline had been extended til' Wednesday the 22nd and that he was looking for someone to direct his play that he had written. Way to plug Dan, but you ain't the only one.
Nick Lamb decided to go on one of his famous rants, this time about the current football coach telling his senior players that they would be good in '05. Just think about that for a second....seniors...'05....then he proceded to criticize the daily videttes horoscope page complaining that all the days for all of the horoscopes were numbered as either a 6 or a 7. I guess life around ISU can't get much better than a 7.
It's time once again for the Lost Boys. Rico and Ricky took suggestions from the audience for an improv scene where the location was a porno shop, Rico was Grimmace from McDonald land, and Ricky was an erotic cake baker and they knew each other because they were both siameese twins. This all took place in the year 1683. Then the audience gave a countdown to the scene 3....2...1...! and both actors just shivered a bunch and fell to die. Classic scene re-enacted....I love it.
Next up was simply Tom Pleviak with a song....at first. But it grew into a full scale EVENT. Tom explained that on his way back from seeing the play Chicago, in Chicago (is that confusing to anyone else?) that his car broke down...six times. YIKES. Anyways Tom was going to make the best of a bad situation and decided that he needed more fun in his life so he decided to sing a song...the Cell Block Tango from Chicago. It started off simple enough, then the audience just started clapping and singing along, while Tom Re-enacted the scenes from the movie/play where the girls were talking about their husbands/lovers and many people felt the spirit of the song and got up to act as the accused lover/husband. It was amazing. The energy that the audience was putting out, the way Tom worked the crowd, and the fun everyone had. An excellent job.
Courtney Rioux decided to show us all her pipes as well...no not those pipes, the VOCAL pipes sicko. Courtney sang as best she could with no prep work and although stumbled a bit, recovered right away and was coaxed on by the audience. Way to Dare to Suck!
And now it is time for everyone's favorite pilot episode of a show that never got made, I Love Jesus (think lucy folks) "Jeeesus! You have some ‘splaining to do". And somehow without warning, rhyme or reason, the show turned into the penguin attention song??? And that is where nuns come from. If it sounds confusing here, believe me it was just as confusing there at TED.
Adrienne Canzolino then decided to come up to the front of the room to make an exceedingly large announcement (yes another one) to the congregation of TED. She had to go pee. Thanks for the info.
Finally the Presidents of the Theatre of TED special events committee, Dan Radcliff and Mike Schmueck decided to make some announcements to the congregation at TED.
Matt Russell then wrapped up TED asking former host Dan Huffines to join in saying "Theatre of TED enthusiastic applause!"
Q & A about TED
Maren w/ Night Vision
Nick Lamb w/ Announcement
Dan Huffines w/ A Public Service Announcement
Steven Yap with Distopian Reality T.V.
Dan Radcliff w/ Announcement
Nick Lamb w/ Stuff
Adrienne w/ Announcement
Mike and Dan with Closing comments
Awards? What awards. Well we think that certain pieces should be recognized as highly entertaining or extremely daring so there are a couple awards given out by me. Not voted on, and just my own humble opinion. But the awards have changed with the leadership so no more WoW MoM.
Performance Piece(s) of the week:
Tom Pleviak with the Cell Block Tango,
damn that was what freakin' embodied the spirit of TED if you ask me.
Dare to Suck award:
Mike Schmueck going balls out...literally.
Nothin' like ringin' in a new season of TED nakey style.
Super Secret Hidden Theme of the WEEK:
Damn, there were so many announcements this week you would think you were at a cub scout meeting, sheesh.
*hidden themes are the unintentional repetition of something throughout the TED of that week.