WARNING: This edition of the host notes is full of angry humor. And also a highly offensive story. And by angry we mean disappointment angry like when your mom or dad says "I'm disappointed in you" and it makes you feel way worse than if they just yelled at you and just got it the hell over with.
April 12th 2003a.d.
List of Performers:
Matt Russell, Steven Yap, Old Guy, Kid with Suspenders
Running Time for This Painful Show:
38 minutes of "why the hell are we here"
Oh GOD...5....I swear to GOD 5 people came to see this tonight. That is including myself and I was hosting. Not even GUITHER was here.
This was the saddest fucking night in the history of "NEW TED". Imagine my horror when 12:15 rolled around and it was me, steven yap, some old guy reading a book who looked to be suspender kids father, suspender kid and I think that Joel Burden was there also...I felt that this night was so bad that I did not even warrant host notes because no one cared enough to come. A sad, sad day for TED. I guess drinkin' and smoking the ganja was more important than getting yo' act on.
Sure, I COULD give the details of what happened tonight, but you know what I came up with a much more interesting story...I hear Nick Izzo wants the movie rights some day.
Here is what happened at Ted this week and boy oh boy did you guys MISS IT!
There I was getting a lap dance from two big tittied strippers named Carla and Diamond when suddenly I had to say "ladies, I gots to get to TED for some fine quality shite."
And the strippers were all like "But I want you inside me" and I'm all like I gots my duty ladies.
So I hop into my Ferrari and pedal to the medal all the way from Las Vegas where I won a hundred million dollars cash just for walking into this one place since im so cool. Then I got to Room 301 where it seemed like no one was there.
I then found a group of ninjas holding my audience hostage...I thought that Steve Yap might be able to kick their ass because he was chineese, but I was wrong since he was crying the whole time.
Old guy looked like he couldn't breathe,
Joel was too stoned to care
Suspenders Kid is such a big fuckin' nerd that I really did not care whether he lived or died, but I said:
ON with the show. TED must have an audience.
Then out of like nowhere this big ass guitar chord sounded and I knew what I had to do.
I had to fight the ninjas.
I knew my chances were slim seeing as I knew that one ninja could easily take out 200 pirates, cause ninjas are way sweeter and better than pirates.
I took down the first ninja by simply uppercutting him in the groin. It would seem that this ninja was the trainee ninja seeing as how he was so apt to defeat.
No matter the other 3 ninjas I found were coming at me.
Then I realized that I had the power of grayskull eminating from my wrists and I used it to stop the ninjas. The battle was fierce, but all I know is I barely survived since ninjas are so powerful I barely won.
I freed the three captives however but did not realize the danger that lurked in the shadows.
THE NINJA KING!!!!
I did not know that ninjas so adimately opposed THEATRE OF TED! WOW.
I had to call on my Giant Robotic Dinosaur and a fierce battle ensued again. I don't know all the details but at the end I was barely alive and the ninja king was in retreat saying "I will get you eventually for this"
Then I freed the captives from their bonds.
Joel said "thanks man"
Old guy said "I missed matlock"
Steve Yap was still crying and mumbleing something in chineese.
I really don't give a fuck what suspenders kid said cause...damn.
Then The strippers came back and gave me a double lap dance that was so enjoyable even old guy got a boner. And the taco bell dog came in and gave us all free tacos and then I ate some tacos and then the Spice Girls came in all naked and sexy and were like "ooooh I wants to suck your dicks off" so we let em have at it. and they started suckin on my member and were like this is great. And then they all started FUCKING everybody, except suspenders kid cause he just got a hand job cause...damn.
And then I went home with all the spice girls two strippers a million dollars and a belly full of tacos.
don't you wish you came to ted to participate this week.
Steve showed his biblical cereal commercial for the first time
I read from an unfinished screenplay that was really bad.
Old guy read from fucking walt Whitman
And suspenders kid...damn.
Theatre of Ted ---ugh I feel so guilty for saying this--"enthusiastic applause"
Steve with Sweet Jesus
Matt with why I shouldn't be a writer
Old guy with Walt Whitman
They all go to me cause I'm awesome for totally kicking the Ninja Kings ASS!