Theatre of TED

February 1, 2003



List of performers


Dan Huffines---Matt Russell---Maggie

Caitlyn Barlow---Rico Natale---Pete Guither

Samuel---Jared Winkler---Nick Lamb

R.J. III---Jeff Blum---Vanessa Grall

Dennis Grimes---Becky Kuzar---Jessica Schloabam

Doyle---Dan Radcliff---Cassie Vlahos


Mike Schmeuk


(Italics denotes a new performer at TED)


22 performers at this weeks installment of Ted


Total Attendance


This weeks attendance at Ted was 69



Personal Note


Ted Gone Wild!!!!! All I can say....Well, that and nice to see so many new performers at Ted doing their own thing for the first time. It really added something nice. Hope we get more of it. I did want to mention also, that there were so many good things this week, a lot of variety. Because of the variety of things, it seems unfair for this forum to be splitting hairs, so the awards for this week are bit stacked. Meaning there are multiple people, pieces and moments for the week. Although, there is only one real theme to speak of...hehe...



Notes from TED


"Theatre of Ted, Enthusiastic Applause"


Dan got the ball rolling by welcoming everyone to the 1 year anniversary since the re-birth of Theatre of Ted. 1 year, 23 Ted's, 1327 people in attendance, 105 different performers and 390 performance pieces. WoW MoM.


Anyways, Dan had to get running to go take care of a couple of things, but turned it over to Matt Russell to get things officially rolling. Matt welcomed everyone as well, and then introduced the first performer of the evening, Maggie.


Maggie did a entitled Cunt Country. Before she did it though, she discussed the upcoming performances of The Vagina Monologues in The Ballroom in the Bone Student Center starting on February 14th. She talked about what the Vagina monologues were and the purposes behind them. The piece was well received and went overall great with the crowd.


Matt then introduced the long awaited finish to the skit that never took place at the first Ted; Master-Baking With Dan. Dan came out in his usual attire. He then went through an entire laundry list of ingredients that paid homage to (some of) all those who have helped to bring Ted back and the roles that each has played over the past year. It was a very genuine piece and included the "making of a cake" using the ingredients of Ted itself; all of you.


After all assembled, it was played into and "oven" to bake for a minute and then when the timer was up, it was revealed that a cake did emerge. A marble sheet cake that read "Happy Birthday Theatre of Ted"

"Enthusiastic Applause"


I never expected the crowd to respond the way it did, but it made me feel really good, and I want to say thanks to everyone for that. You all made my night, but then you always do.


Volunteers were then gathered to help cut the cake and distribute to everyone in attendance. There was about a quarter to a third of the cake left, but we'll get to that later...


After the cake had died down and we were back on track, Pete Guither came up and gave a very heartfelt and moving talk about space travel. Well, more than just "space travel" but about the opportunity to go beyond, the importance of adventure and the meaning that it has to millions of people. After the loss of the Space Shuttle Columbia this past weekend, many will call for the ending of the space program citing that we are not yet in a position monetarily or scientifically to pursue this dream of mankind. Pete discussed some of his own personal experiences, recounting the events of JFK and his promise to land a man on the moon by the end of the 1960's. He recounts the launch in summer of 1969 that sent 3 men to the surface of the moon and the feelings that it evoked in him and how the experience was felt by many, not just those who went. This piece was very personal and was full of great information in terms of history and perspective.


The Charlie & Mark Magic Show was up next. Both started off talking g about how they would do a little magic for us as they. The started with a volunteer from the audience to help with a card trick and almost immediately there was tension between the Penn & Teller B Team performers (Not a dig, just fits with their characters). Charlie was quite upset that Mark seemed to be screwing up at every chance he got and even with assistance from Volunteer, Jess the trick was a set up for the continued tension between the two. To illustrate the tension, Mark couldn't tell what a card was so Charlie, very harshly, had to explain: "It's a 7 of ShutTheFuckUp!!" After the "botched" card trick it became evident that the next trick would be even more interesting. Mark was going to help Charlie get into a straight jacket and secure him in. This was not a typical jacket, seeing that it did not have buckles, but instead had plastic latches...ya know, the childproof kind. Anyways, giving himself only 20 seconds to escape, Charlie was not able to get the job done and began blaming Mark for the whole thing falling apart. The verbal abuse continued, but Charlie was not in a good position to be picking a fight and Mark picked up on it. After some change in dominance between the two, the crowd starting chanting "cake!cake!cake!" Mark obliged, and took some leftover cake (about 2 pieces worth) and laid it right into his fellow master-magician.


Great stuff from start to finish, really well done. But the best one-liner from the whole thing came from the crowd, when Mark was helping to "secure" the crotch-buckle. It looked a bit awkward and someone from the crowd as "which one are you? Siegfried, or Roy?"


Samuel, another new performer at Ted came up to read a poem, in the piece Albatrass Doth Com. This pieces was about 20 minutes long, so we'll cut to the chase. He got and started reading. Well, actually, he had about the first 5 minutes or so memorized. It seemed to be going nowhere, other than the reading. Then slowly, he began taking a piece of clothing off every minute or so until he was left only in a pair of medium metallic women's panties. From their he kept reading, and kept reading, and kept reading. Did anyone ever see Man on the Moon? Well, for those of you who haven't and want this piece to make a little more sense, check it out and pay attention to Kaufman's reading of The Great Gaspy. After about 15 minutes of "action" various crowd members got into the action putting cake down his...err panties...and then continuing to get cake all over him. Dan and Matt started an improve called skit, entitled "Extreme Tension III: The Wrath of the Foreskin" in the background, only to interrupted by Samuel, as he proceeded to sit Indian style on the table where the "tension" was taking place. Mercifully, Nick Lamb got up and provided cover for the crowd from the "pieces" that were making themselves prevalent. Thank you Nick!!! About another 5minutes or so, and it was over, but it was a lot of fun while it lasted!!


Caitlyn & Jeff presented It's The News. Caitlyn was ready, only waiting for Jeff who was running a bit late, and then he showed up in disbelief. It seems that Caitlyn had told him that they should wear "birthday suits." Jeff took this a bit literal, as he came in wearing only a strategically placed party hat. This weeks stories included a recall on the Harry Potter Nimbus toy that was said to be a stick that the characters have between their legs, which vibrates and is used to try and get balls into a hole. OIAF (Pronounced as OAF), Organization of International aFfairs was discussed a bit. Jeff then revealed information about that came from a new study which proves that 98% of women bitch too much. The survey was made up of 2 "completely random questions" (haha):

1-                 Do you think you bitch too much?

2-                 Why do you hate men?


Caitlyn took exception to the report and accused Jeff of writing it himself. Maybe a little payback for foot size thing? Hmmmm. Anyways, Jeff was a tough journalist and was sticking by his sources. Caitlyn jumped up and got angry and as the two faced off, Caitlyn motioned to tear off his party hat. Jeff turned away though, just in time. Jeff was sticking by his story and as Caitlyn kept on complaining about the validity of the story, Jeff finally lost his cool and accused her of proving that the survey was right. That she too was in fact "bitching too much!" In a fit of anger, she reached down and yanked off............(guesses anyone?)......


(wait for it)





(Keep waiting)



That's right, the party hat. Jeff quickly covered up and jetted out the door to the "news studio" and head for higher ground. Well folks, that's news to me...


Matt Russell came up with Bittersweet Sacrifice, in which he talked about his first Ted experiences and how he really find it to be a place that he wanted to be each Saturday. He then talked a bit about his Free Stage that will be going up in a couple of months. He, along with his "Hetero-sexual-life-mate" Adam Rosowics, will be doing a stage adaptation of The Nightmare Before Christmas. In order to make this production everything he hopes it will be and to realize the potential that it has, he will be scaling back his involvement with Ted until the run of the show is over. His words were very heartfelt and nothing short of genuine. We wish him the best. With the caring that Matt & Adam put behind all they do, I'm sure that this will be a very special production. It's a project that they are every committed to, and best of luck to them!!


Mark, (yes, the guy from the magic show), came up with a very special guest; Ted himself!!! It seems that Ted had heard so many good things about himself over the past year that he to come and see what all the fuss was about. He was dressed in black leather (pleather?) pants with long red (pink?) hair and a dark beard. Kinda like a hippie Hollywood on acid. Anways, he said that he's spent the past few months on the highways and by-ways of middle America USA, and that he had spent the time learning about women. He brought Jess back up as a volunteer and showed her first hand the types of things that he did to melt a woman's heart. After he showed the techniques, he wanted a male and female volunteer to come up, so that the male could try and put his techniques into action, showing that, if done right, they could work for just about any man. Dan and Cassie came up, and Ted insisted that he could NOT coach Dan very loudly, because if he did, then Cassie would certainly want him, over Dan. (Well wasn't that nice of Ted to give such a thoughtful suggestion?) Anyways, they went through various techniques of getting closer to a women, until the best line of the skit came out when Dan was asked to smell Cassie's hair. When he did, Ted asked, "Mow, brother, what does that smell like?" Dan responded, "Like smoke." Classic stuff people. During all of this Dennis Grimes was on Camera filming and he had a great directorial line to Ted, when he was blocking the action, "Hey, cheat up!! Take you hat off, or something!" Well, at least it was funny to me.


Doyle made his first Ted appearance, and his piece was untitled. I have gone back and watched it a few times and have yet to know what to make of it. But it followed some good guidelines. It was short and it didn't hurt anyone. Doyle, again, is a first time Ted performer and it was good to have him aboard, I always like seeing new faces bravely getting up at Ted!


Far From It (Presented by the 3ft. Gator Players), was up next and let me just say, that I cannot do many things justice in these recaps, and this is a perfect example why. I can give you the storyline, the plot, and whatever things I can think of, but I cannot capture facial expressions and the reactions that the characters have. That's why you can't know a production by reading a review, no matter how good it is. With that being said this was a little story between 2 roommates. One who just got home (Jared) and the other who had been home just watching some porn (Rico). Jared seemed upset that it was only the 2 of them together, with porn on TV, that things might, ya know start to happen between them. Jared didn't approve of just watching porn with 2 people, especially with the consequences that it could lead to. Rico didn't agree, but Jared insisted that because it was his TV, he wanted to watch a video he had rented. As Rico was leaving the room, Jared told him that he rented a little "Gay Porn." Rico was shocked and wanted to know why he rented gay porn, after all Jared had a girlfriend. Jared started accusing Rico of wanting to watch it with (a little reverse psychology to get Rico on the couch..*wink*wink*). Jared had the funniest damn line in the world (and it's even funny on the video), when he say "what would it hurt...he?" Then Jared said he was joking that it was not GP, and Rico felt a little bit had, but did want to know what he had rented. Jared sprung up saying "No, don't look in there!!" Turns out, it was in fact GP. Jared played dumb, saying that he though he had rented Scooby Doo, and that he should watch the whole tape to make they really messed up. Rico left stage, Jared tempted the audience with insinuated nudity, but it was.....AND SCENE.


Slam Poetry returned this week, mixing things up just a bit. He had a poem already written that was very nicely done and from there he wanted a topic from the audience, but only one catch. This time he wanted something more legitimate, as opposed to condoms, tapestry or any of the random stuff that he ahs become accustomed to getting from the crowd. The first topic yelled out was "Growing Old," which Nick turned into about a minute and a half long piece that was as crisp as any that he's done. Very nicely done and well received.


Dan Radcliff made his return to Ted with a collage of different pieces strung together, starting out with a rhyme that was done to the style of Rapper Delight. He then went into a Beat Box in the style of Chiles commercials and showed off some of his sound effect range, which bled straight into THE RETURN OF MASTER PIPE THEATRE!! Allister Bates went on a tour of restaurants selection (after, all it had to do with the munchies). He focused primarily on the restaurant that has dishes based on religions of the world. Instead of menu selections such as Pork, Steak, Chicken, Fish, etc...It instead had "Judaism, Hinduism, Christianity" and so on. After the discussion about experiences in the restaurant he led it into the question that everybody, at some time or another was wondering: How does Daniel Radcliff eat a Reeces Peanut Butter Cup? He teased some nudity, to the dismay of the crowd (they had their fill by this point I believe), and instead told them to just imagine him in his dorm room naked, the crowd still groaned, so he said, "Okay, just imagine me in my dorm room, okay." The crowd accepted that...hmm. He came in and went to town on it, getting wrapper in his mouth and indulging the treat in a somewhat sexual manner. (Let's face it folks, they are good!) He then took off his shirt and did the Choco-Peanut-Nipple-Rub. The energy was great at this point, and going with the flow Dan grabbed the rest of the cake and set it on the floor (about a third of a sheet cake!!), and bellowed "I hope no one else wants cake!!" The crowd was really psyched by this point, and Dan took a running dive into the remainder of the cake covering his entire chest and stomach. Much to the delight of the crowd. Dan's piece just kept building and had a great flow to it. I get the feeling that he had a few ideas, but was putting them together on the spot (somewhat, anyways), but you really couldn't tell. Great stuff, and nice to see Dan back in a big way.


Rico did a monologue with assistance from Jared. Jared was there to interpret the spoken word through facial emotion. It was a seriously written piece about a father, and Jared, without words played up the responses, slipping in and out of interpreting and reacting to what he himself was hearing. The slipping in and out is what made it work.


Caitlyn came up to give everyone a bit of a Dialect Lesson. The lesson came from life, as she recounted an experience while working on Pentecost. In the play Caitlyn told us that she plays "Girl." And that one of her lines is "Cock-Sucker." As Marianne Hampton was helping her with her dialect, she recounts the stresses put on each sound. "CAAWWK, SuKKAR"...Everyone say it with me now, come on "CAAWWK, SuKKAR." Very good everyone!! Things became a bit racy, but it soon got back on track with one more "CAAWWK, SuKKAR"...Very good!!


Dennis Grimes wanted to present Something Not Funny. He talked about an experience he had the previous night at Labambas when he saw a guy who had obviously gotten this girl drunk. She could talk well, could barely stand and the man was stone cold sober. He was obviously going to take advantage of her, and this made him sick. He went on to tell how there are so many guys in the world who are assholes, and it just makes him sick. So he was willing to take the punishment and the brunt of guilt for all mankind. He asked Vanessa to come on up help him out with something. He then dropped trow, and got a table into position, and giving a huge paddle to Vanessa. He then wanted women of the audience to tell stories of how they have been mistreated or instances where they have seen men treating women in a degrading manner. After each story, the crowd would then give their suggestions for how many spankings it was worth. It went on pretty basic for a while, but Vanessa, thinking that maybe Dennis was getting a bit too much enjoyment out of this, spiced things up a bit, by going and getting what cake was left and stuffing it down the back of his pants. The next spankings where a bit more cake filled, if you catch the drift of things. Vanessa then added a banana into the mix (pants, whatever), and men started to come up to receive their "punishment" as well. (Didn't look like punishment to me!) Anyways, Dennis told the real reason why he did this and some of the personal things that led him to feel as though he needed to discuss the personal issues, and in a classic moment, said that now, because of all that he's said, in order to get his dues, he would like to receive one good hard spanking from every girl in the room. About half a dozen jumped to their feet to their feet and Dennis along with about 3 other guys got what was coming to them. On a side note, Mike Schmeuk went bare arse for this one folks. And on another personal note, I'd just like to say that for such a great idea, Dennis Grimes is now my hero!


Jared and Mike did an improve game called Half-Life, where you take a relationship and scenario from the crowd and do the scene in 30 seconds, the 15, then 7, then 3, then 1. The relation ship was a man (Mike) and his dog(Jared) going to MacDonald's. There was some humping of the leg and the master thinking his pet wants cake. It got shorter and shorter until the final presentation of 1 second, was Mike yelling "Alright Dog!! Cake!"


R.J. III made his return (with a botched introduction by your truly) as he read some of the great and classic poems by one of the greatest poets of anyone's lifetime: Sanford Lewis. Sanford Lewis was the first man to sail around the great state of Illinois. One of his early claims to fame was that his family owned a dryer. Many of his early works were in fact about this amazing piece of equipment. The first poem was in fact his first poem ever written, The Dryer Poem. The second was from his more abstract works, that was an interpretation of images and words that made sense only to those who truly understood the man himself. Very inspiring stuff!! =)


Becky Kuzar returned to Ted as well for the birthday and performed something she wrote downstairs during the early parts of Ted. She talked first about her friends and how many of them would be graduating, and how she would certainly miss them. It's always nice to have music at Ted, especially when it's personal, entertaining and good. Thanks Kuzar!!


Mike Schmeuk ended Ted with a bit of Awkward Silence. He sat uncomfortably, tried crying, tried in every way possible to make it seem uncomfortable, and ended things with "Theatre of Ted Enthusiastic Applause."



"Theatre of Ted, Enthusiastic Applause"



***The running time for Theatre of Ted was 2 hours 45 minutes***



List of Performance Pieces (in order of performance)


(There were a total of 19 performance pieces at Ted)


Cunt Country

Master Baking w/Dan

Pete w/a Personal History

Charlie & Mark Magic Show

Albatrass Doth Com

It's The News

Bittersweet Sacrifice

Mark w/a Special Guest


Far From It (Presented by the 3ft. Gator Players)

Slam Poetry

Daniel Radcliff

Rico w/a Monologue, w/assistance from Jared

Dialect Lesson

Something Not Funny


Poems of Sanford Lewis

Something NOT X-Rated

Awkward Silence



And the ballots are in.......



Performance Piece(s) of the Week


Far From It (Presented by: The 3Ft. Gator Players)

Something Not Funny

 Charlie & Mark Magic Show

Albatrass Doth Com


Performer(s) of the Week


Caitlyn Barlow

Charlie (New Performer!!)

Samuel (New Performer!!) 



WoW MoM moment(s) of the week


Jeff Blum Going full Monty!!

Dan Radcliff taking the cake dive.

Dennis Grimes' 13th Spanking



Nudity, on many different levels, ranging from partial, to full!!