Theatre of TED

December 7, 2002



List of performers


Dan Huffines---Matt Russell---Scott Rosen

Jon Legeat---Caitlyn Barlow---Ricky Rodriguez

Rico Natale---Brian Clouthier---Jared Winkler

Mike Schmeuck---Lisa Mueller---Marco

Andy Handback---Tom Hyle---Steven Yap

Chad ---Nick Lamb---Pete Guither

Leslie Shepard---Saigon Suicide Squad


(Italics denotes a new performer at TED)


21 performers at this weeks installment of Ted

(You may only count 20 above, but I don't know the name of Lisa and Marco's friend who did guitar in Holiday Cheer)


Total Attendance


This week we had 89 in attendance at Ted



Personal Note


Nice to have Ted back on track here at the end of the semester. I really think that I have sort of let things go a bit in terms of running this thing like an organization. Next semester there will be a rededication to Ted. We will be working towards Mock Prom, The 4-Square Marathon, the return of the Ted Newsletter, and on-line Ted Store, a Ted PhotoGallery on the website and more Ted promotion that you'll wish to see. Everyone on the Ted committee will be working hard to making things happened the way they did (or even better) than they did last spring. I can't wait!!!


Also, a farewell to Brian Clouthier. Brian won't be with us next semester, but we wish him luck and thank him for adding his own brand to Ted with his music and of course, The Bastard Mime."



Notes from TED


"Theatre of Ted, Enthusiastic Applause"


And now, the first ever full presentation of The Men's Project!!! Tonights evening of 2 minute and 45 second plays will include the award winning (?) short classics of Dancing with a Temptress, 100 Cowboys and, of course Cold Readings!! Each number will followed with musical accompaniment by Scott Rosen as he will present his work on the Kazoo. Classic, eh?


Dancing w/a Temptress showed a young man and his younger self (ages 28 and 24) in a recount of his first sexual experience. It seems that with some men, the details become cloudy over time even what that special women looked like. I don't remember her looking like Matt Russell at all, but hey, what are you gonna do?


100 Cowboys looked at 2 gay urban cowboys and there living situation. How friendship and companionship can become strained over time..."There is a place inside of me, where 100 gay cowboys have been. I think of Billy Bob at the Texas State Rodeo, Jim-Bob from my future farmers of America class in high school, or Bobby-Bob....


You get the idea...


Following musical accompaniment, Dan took the floor and discussed that the Men's Project had been criticized for not having women as part of their productions in the past. Well that was about to change for the premiere of Cold Readings. For this, Dan selected a female volunteer from the audience...What a shock there weren't any! So, Nikki Maniatis was asked to help out and was given a "cold reading" to present to the crowd. It was none other than The Penis Monologue (written by Jeff Blum and originally presented at the November 23rd Ted. Nikki did a great job and helped show that the Men's Project is not in any way sexist! So there!


Scott Rosen brought up the Cube, Rubiks that is...Texass Tea...oh back to the action. He then tossed it to the crowd to be mixed up and jumbled for his next cube challenge that would come later in the show.


It was now time for a special treat for the Ted audience. An international group had come to Braden Auditorium earlier in the week and were still in town. It was now time for the myths, the legends, the greatest show from the other side of the sea: THE SAIGON SUICIDE SQUAD with their death defying maneuvers and acrobatics that had dazzled hundreds of thousands internationally over the past 4 years and a heritage that extends back tot the Tie-dye suicide squad of the mid 1960's...or maybe I'm thinking of somebody else there. Anyways, the lights go down, the pyrotechnics start, the multi-million dollar sound system kicks in......but they never come. Instead a foreign Ted head stands from the crowd and begins dissing the Saigon Suicide Squad and speaks of a Chinese performance legend of some kind...The Hong Kong Danger DUO...Oohh...She promised that "Saigon Suicide Squad is nothing, Hong Kong Danger Duo way much better..."...and that they would prove. And then she disappeared.


The 3ft. Gator Players presented a scene straight from the wide world of sports...of sorts. Mike entered the room in whitey-tighties riding up to give that ever so prevalent thongs thonhg look. Charming. Rico and Ricky entered and began to undress revealing the tennis outfits that they had on underneath. Brian got in place as the line judge and Jared was the balls, I mean ball boy. Rico served and he and Ricky used the slapping of Mikes ass to represent the hitting of the ball throughout this athletic competition. Much to the discomfort of Mike, Brian had to call "Fault!" on at least 1 occasion. Jared kept up with his duties quickly running by at each point to get the "ball" and return to the sidelines to wait for the next point. Really funny and creative stuff here as Mike showed no fear and left with a really red, handprint infested ass for his troubles. I'm sure some people were watching at the beginning and asking themselves "what the hell am I watching," but soon figured it out and it went over really well.


After finishing with his referee duties used Lisa's friends' guitar to play a song. Seeing that this is Brian's last Ted while at ISU, he wanted to play a bit of a farewell song and before acknowledged his friends (3ft. gator players) and give us all a final musical number. We'll be seeing you Brian...


Holiday Cheer was put together, promoted and performed by three first time Ted performers: Lisa Mueller, Marco (does he really need a last name, you all know Marco) and a third lady that I don't have a name on. Please forgive me for the laps, but I just forgot to ask and instead of making a mistake on the name, I will leave it in a cloud of mystery. They presented a barrage of modified holiday classics with guitar accompaniment and involved Marco running around doing interpretive dance of these timeless holiday classics. Marco took time out to throw Dradels (sp?) at the crowd and seemed to have a hell of a time keeping up with the music. The musical number even included a number, and Ode if you will to yours truly; Danny-Baby (Santa-Baby). Yeah, I blushed, so what. Anyways, They put in some work on making this Holiday Cheer for all of us and getting us into that Christmas..errr..Hanak...ummm...Holiday Spirit! There we go, that works, and I think that was the point.


I know what you're all thinking, it's time for the cube again. But this was really great. I laughed my ass off for the first 30 seconds or so because of Scott's music that he had selected as background music for this attempt at immortality. Does anyone remember the music from Karate Kid, the first one...during the tournament at the end of the movie...I believe the song was "You're the Best," well Scott was. I think he made one wrong turn, but not to worry, because he had it back on track and did it in under 10 minutes!!! Just kidding with you Scott, it was around 2. I can't be for certain because we didn't time it, but there were a couple of choruses left in the song when he finished.


(News update, I just found my notes from Ted and I have down that Russell called the time at 1 minute and 57 seconds!!!)


Amazing segway into...


And now: The News. Jeff and Caitlyn with a year in review for this edition, a special year-in-review edition. This should be fun. I won't write out the script for you people, but I will give you some of the samplings from this update. Here we go...


Favorite pastime in 2002---Masturbation

Least favorite pastime of 2002---cleaning up after Masturbation


Worst oil leak of 2002---ocean in North Atlantic

Best oil leak of 2002---Jeff's Bedroom


Worst mail order product of 2002---Anthrax

Best mail order product of 2002---Lukavich, Russian mail-order bride


Best day for Hookers to do business in 2002---Valentines Day

Worst day for Hookers to do business in 2002---Opening day for Episode II


We also got a look at Santa's new image as he goes for a more Bond type of image and also the new look of Mrs. Claus (Leslie Shepard). Together they offered a new brand of Santa for children to (run from) admire.


News items looked at the types of toys that have been hot sellers this holiday season and how they have increasingly violent themes to them, including music as Eminem releases a new Christmas CD. We also got our first look at News weather reports from their "Meteorologist." Matt Russell played the part of the disgruntled weather man and his unwillingness to go along with cheesy weather reports that are written for him. Want the company wants: Well, imagine the on television weatherman from Grumpy Old Men. Well, that's what they want, and Russell seemed not to want to go along. His rebellious ways were also evident from the start as he started and completed his report with a cigarette in mouth.


The news ended with a year in review in 60 seconds that included both world and departmental news interlaced, although I think it took about a minute and 6 seconds...I'm just kidding, I don't have a freakin' clue how long it took, but it was a nice cap off.


Okay, I just wrote ¾ of a page to The News but to their credit they had so much going on with it, that I'd feel like I was doing an injustice not to in some way touch on most things.


The National Institute for Smelling Good was a nice piece that displays what I think to be good. This was about a guy named James Beckly who had been referred to The National Institute for Smelling Good, in order to cure his odor problem. The institute has a 5 point scale for deciding if someone smells bad.

Smells can range from:





Absolutely Terrible!!


Mr. Beckly fell into the latter of these categories and was recommended by family, friends and his wife...pretty much any and everyone that he had ever met. The subject, was so blind to his own stench that he was shocked when he began smelling the good doctor and in a shocking revelation to himself admitted that the doctors shirt "Smeeelllss Niiice!


Next, The 3 ft. Gator Players present: A Lesson. This was in fact a show of tribute to Paul Dehnhart. Paul is a favorite to many ISU students and always remember that when you see a parody, then there is a level of respect of those being the subject of parody. The same is true with The Women's Project in the opening bit to the show tonight and all things showed be taken as such and not as a malicious attack or as any form of disrespect.


And now Mike presents Paul Dehnhart's Guide to Lovemaking: Alexander Style. For this to work, there are a number of things that one become in tune with their (and others') bodies. Some of the techniques demonstrated here were "The Thrust" which went over well with the crowd, I mean class of students. All were encouraged to find partners and go along with the coaching from Mike and his assistant Ricky. Mike saw that after about 4 different techniques were discussed that some of the students seemed reluctant to try new things and decided to go through the crowd and pick on certain students. Most notable was Steven Yap. Yap was subjected to the bitch position (may phrase) and I've got the pictures to prove it. Perhaps, they will end up on the photo gallery page coming soon to the website. (That sentence should date these notes in years to come).


And now for Tom Hyle: Too Drunk for TV...Just kidding, but he was three sheets to the wind, if not four. But that's what makes it that much more impressive that he delivered the poem he came to do with as much conviction. You could really tell that it meant something to him. It was about those who work in the teaching profession. And started with a question that was posed by someone working for money: "What do you make?" The reply from a teachers perspective was powerful and had priorities: "I make children learn. I make kids work harder than they ever thought they could and come back wanteing to know more..." Of course, I'm paraphrasing, but it was pretty damn close to that. I believe Tom had first heard about it on Deaf Poetry Jam on HBO a few years back and located a copy of it. It struck him then and obviously meant something to him. Thank you for coming to share tom, always appreciated.



And Now!!! The Most Versatile Actor in the World...No, not Steven Yap...or Chad, but Keanu Reeves. Steven and Chad talked about the range that this amazing actor of a timeless manner has played during his brief but amazing career. Picture this, taking a line from every movie that he was in and showcasing the line (or lines) from each one that contained the word "Dude." The taking it a step further and putting fictitious lines in today movies that Reeves was never in, but posing the question: "What if he was." Steven has mentioned doing things at Ted before and I'm glad to see him get a nice piece in before then end of the semester. Hopefully we'll see more next semester!


We now had an outdoor Chaos where people got pieces of paper from Pete Guither on the way out and then had to go down stairs and outside to see how all of the "performances" were going. This a nice little break from Ted and served in many ways a Ted intermission. Some people left, many stayed to see Ted through. Chris Arnold, former Host of Ted said good things of Ted and said his goodbye at this time as well.


And now we're back!!


And now, a sad one to write: The Swan song for The Bastard Mime. In fact, I think I'll go take a toke before I continue writing....(Outside)....Okay, I'm back and feeling much better now, ready to speed through the rest of these notes before I garb some food (muy)!


The Bastard Mime entered the room with an umbrella and a lighter. He got the table and moved it into position in the middle of the room, got on top and then acted as if he would light the sprinkler system while he was safe underneath the umbrella. Well, after a moment of tease, he received a phone call from Rico in the audience. Rico informed him that the room didn't have a sprinkler system and that he had found the smoke detecor, then the Bastard Mime poetically killed himself by uttering the come back of: "Blow Me"


Dan wanted to share about 20 minutes of memorized Text from the one hour, one actor show: Galelio, much to the delight of everyone there (har, har). About 10 seconds into it, he was so badly interrupted by the HONG KONG DANGER DUO. But it was only a threat of DANGER to come. We'll after that, I couldn't bring myself into focus to quickly for the Galelio monologue so I decided just to get on with things.


3 ft. Gator Players Present: Chimps in Space This was a collection of actors from the audience that were put together and the conductor (Brian) had the audience give each one somethings that they ahd to vocally portray. We got sick, heartache, melancholy and of course, OVERACTING. One each had their sound that they would need, then Brian directed them and played their sounds together and then created melody with the sounds. After an over 5 minute showing from everyone, they ended and Ricky took over as conductor. He directed at an even higher pace and took the group of Mike, Brian, Matt, Nick, Jon and Rico home




We got a DEA update from Pete as he discussed things that had been done and changes that had been made lately to the structural organizations in government and how they would effect the way in which the drug war is fought. He talked again about Asa Hutchinson that each of us should have heard of by now (I know I have, but hey I lived in Oklahoma/Arkansas for 6 years). If you want more information please go to the war on drugs page on the daretosuck website. There is good informative literature and great ways for you to get involved!! I suggest you give it a look.


Pete also talked about his plan to help save Illinois and how it involved some not so well respected ideas from those in government. He told that he was going to present this plan when the Governor was to stop at ISU during Finals week to openly listen to suggestions and plans.


Mike Schmeuck wanted to share with us his continuation audition piece of, Helen Keller, from The Miracle Worker. Mike got up and with precise (almost) line memorization captured the essence of Helen in the stirring monologue. The best was when he had to call for line once. This is hilarious, because if there were ever one character that you could improvise a line for it would have to be Helen Keller. (Yep, I'm high as a kite)


We got a bit of Na•ve Conversation next in the piece by the same name. It involved 3 friends, Jeff, Caitlyn and Jeff sitting around a table. Jeff talked about how he has an Uncle Tom that he's never met and that the UPS man stops by all the time claiming to have big package for his mom and his mom making him leave the house while she get her package from Uncle Tom. He just wishes he knew his uncle. Caitlyn talked about how she has bled "down there" each month since she was twelve and masturbated with a crucifix. She thinks it's a punishment from God. Jeff discussed his problem with discharge coming from his penis when he rubs it too much. And sometimes, he wakes up and he has it in his shorts. How Na•ve!!


The Main Event showed the modern version of that epic David vs. Goliath. It was 2 boxers (Scott Rosen vs. Jared Winkler). Jared was throwing everything he had at him and Scott got him with a shove that kept him down for 8. He was saved by the bell and went to his trainer Rico for advice. Rico told him that all he had to do was stand toe to toe with him and if he looked him in the eye, then Scott would respect him. Jared (In a F*$#ing hilarious line) replied: "No, no, no, he told me that he was going to kill me, and that it was exactly for looking him in the eye!" Hilarios people. Well, during the break from action, Scott, instead of resting for the next round, started eating pizza. The next round started before he could finish and in a hurry tried to inhale it and ended up chocking to death as the round started. He collapsed and stayed down for the full 10 and Jared was the winner (and neeeeeewwwww, World Champion!!!!)


Poetry Slam was up next. Always entertaining for differing reasons: tonight's was Ricky. Ricky seemed a beat or two of for some natural reasons, I would assume. Anyways, Nick got "Vagina." Way to go Nick!! But seriously, I think he's had this one before, people just like it I guess. Even some of the ladies tonight. Ricky got grapefruit and if you are a lonely, poor, horny, ugly and unsociable 13 year old male, then Grapefruit may be as close to you come to the feeling of Vagina. (Still stoned, yes). Ricky then got belly button, and Nick with the Russian Blizzard. These topics are just too easy to make fun of here, but I enjoyed the Russian Blizzard poem. Possibly because it was an original topic and not just the same tired worn out Vagina. Don't you hate those!! How many was that, was anyone counting...


Jonathon Grabb had a good idea, how about a slam poetry segment, Dr. Suess style...huh


In Case You All Missed It...Scott Rosen and Jon Legeat have agreed to retell the story of Little Shop of Horrors. After a successful run, both agreed that they should in some way spread the message to the few who had missed it and re-entertain those who had seen it earlier in the week. By using action figures and not real actors, the pace moved much quicker than what I stood through the night before. It was comical and end the end, it just made me laugh that even with the action figures, that Jon was the plant (Pineapple) operator.


Ranting, Raving or Truth? I dunno, you tell me...It was Nick Lamb returning to talk and explore an issue that ahd caught his attention recently. This time Nick poked fun in regards to Alanis Morrissette's lyrics to Isn't it Ironic were in fact themselves causing Irony to the name of the song, (It makes sense when you're stoned people).


Nick and Ricky had a drum off with both working not only with their own pieces but one another's as well...DRUMS PEOPLE, we are talking about drums!!! More on track than the slam poetry, and had a good deal of energy for 3:30 in the a.m.


How Many Licks? Confucius says: "Until I say stop, Biiiiiiiittttccchhhhhh!!!" I read it on a fortune cookie and I pulled this piece out of my ass to make way for not only a nice fortune cookie segway, but also for a "surprise" invasion from THE HONG KONG DANDER DUO. All 3 of them? What the F^(%???? 2 male and 1 female made up the "duo" and when asked if they knew what "duo" meant, one responded "Duo, means Daaangeeeerr," while another, the female said "No, no, no, no, no...Duo, means Hoooong Koooong...Yeah!" Neither was right of course, but they then got into their mode of danger and stared performing their own brand of danger demonstrating their brushes with death among common daily activities and simple circumstances. The put out lights by using their fingers and a bunch of other silly, I dunno running with scissors, I had run out of paper by this point. But it was funny and made good on a kit that I almost killed with my small introductory roles, but they kept going and delivered some funny moments, especially the kicks and poses after each death defying trick.


Until next semester, the FBI investigates the Pedophiles,


"Theatre of Ted, Enthusiastic Applause"



***The running time for Theatre of Ted was 3 hours 45 minutes***



List of Performance Pieces (in order of performance)


(There were a total of 24 performance pieces at Ted)


The Men's Project Presents

Scott w/an Introduction

Saigon Suicide Squad

3 ft. Gator Players w/a Scene

Brian w/a song

Holiday Cheer

The Cube

Jeff & Caitlyn w/the News

The National Institute for Smelling Good

The 3 ft. Gator Players present: A Lesson

Tom Hyle w/ Poetry

The Most Versatile Actor in the World

The Swan Song for the Bastard Mime

Dan w/a monologue(?)

3 ft. Gator Players Present: Chimps in Space

DEA Update

Mike Schmeuck w/a monologue

Na•ve Conversation

The Main Event

Poetry Slam

In Case You All Missed It...

Ranting, Raving or Truth?

Nick & Ricky Drumoff

How Many Licks?



And the ballots are in.......



Performance Piece(s) of the Week


Tom Hyle w/ Poetry

Na•ve Conversation

The 3 ft. Gator Players present: A Lesson



Performer(s) of the Week


The 3ft. Gator Players



WoW MoM moment of the week


Mike Schmeuck's bare ars