Theatre of TED

November 16, 2002



List of performers


Tim Ahlberg---Matt Vesic---Dan Huffines

Jeff Blum---Matt Russell---Scott Rosen

Caitlyn Barlow---Joel---Sara


(Italics denotes a new performer at TED)


8 performers at this week's installment of Ted


Total Attendance


This week we had 24 in attendance at Ted



Personal Note


A great night of fun, if you happened to be one of the few in attendance. Much thanks for Tim and Matt coming back and turning a possible horrid edition of Ted into one that was nothing less than unforgettable for those of us here. Thanks again guys and we hope to see you again someday.


It's also intesesting to point out that if you take away the performances of Tim Ahlberg, Matt Vesic, Jeff Blum & Caitlyn Barlow that the running time of Ted would be approximately...oh, 15 minutes. Jeff and Caitlyn may not show up at the bottom of the page, but that doesn't mean they weren't really good. They carried the show in many ways and were only overshadowed by Ahlberg and Vesic.



Notes from TED


"Theatre of Ted, Enthusiastic Applause"


Tim Ahlberg started off Ted by introducing himself to the crowd and letting them know that he was himself once the Host of Ted, back in the golden years, so to speak. He was very complimentary in regards to the reformation of Ted and to Ted itself as being a forum which is rare and one that should be appreciated. He went as far to say that You would never have an opportunity like this one and that you should capitalize on it and enjoy it for as long as you are here. His opening was simple and funny, got to the point and showed a fondness for Ted that helps some of us re-realize how fortunate we are every Saturday night.


From there, Tim turned it over to yours truly and I had a few words, including a message on drug awareness: For the first time ever, I am chemically challenged while hosting. I picked the wrong night to do this and was kicking myself later, but this was one of those nights that I just wanted to sit back and watch anyways. I tried some crap making fun of Chris Burke (Corky from Life Goes On, a show were he plays a down-syndrome boy) and his recording debut that I found a copy of at Brohmen thrift store. I was bombing, but to inebriated to do anything about it. LUCKILY, none other than Fenwick Ulysess Guither interrupted me. He rolled his happy ass in the building telling me to get on with it and to "spit it out already" and eventually he "fell asleep" from the boredom, which was I. I grabbed my air horn and gave Fenwick a bit of a wake-up call. At the same time, Tim "recognized" him as none other than former Ted performer and friend Matt Vesic. Tim and Matt made their duo debut at the new Ted and then went straight into some improv games that they had prepared for tonight's audience.


It had been a while since they had done these games, so decided that a little theatre warm up was needed. After a bit of stretching, they went into their vocal warm up which, funny enough were the same them, when they went here as they are for us today.







Ya know, the usual. After that they prepared themselves for some games involving audience members. Volunteers included, Matt, Joel, Caitlyn and Sara. Sara was handcuffed to the cabinet for "Tolerance." Drunken Joel was ushered off after it was noticed that he was too out of commission to participate. Matt, on the other hand was given the "script" Of Mice and Men and was told to do an improv monologue from the book. After opening it up, there was no text and was a blank sheet of paper. Matt had to do the monologue how: IMPROV...that's why they call them improv games...get it because you have to...oh, never mind.


Caitlyn was given a bit of a talk about the "real world" and the types of things that casting directors need to see when you come in to introduce yourself for the first time. With Tim playing the casting agent and Matt working as the one who brings each prospect in, Caitlyn went outside to try and make her best impression. Matt brought her in and Tim wasn't all that convinced as he had Matt agree to show her how to really make the impression. Caitlyn was assigned to go out and get Matt from the hall and show him in. She did and the look on her face as she entered the room was priceless as she brought in Matt, in the buff. Matt and Tim discussed possible work and showed Caitlyn how to really make an impression!!!


Jeff wanted to present Ted with a response to the Vagina-Monologues, which he aptly named, The Penis-Monologue. It's just too damn funny to chop or paraphrase which would take away from it in many regards. I think that, with his permission, we would like to maybe put this original work in the on-line gallery for all to see. If you missed it on this night look ahead to December 7th Ted, because I have a feeling it will be making a surprise return...or sorts.


Matt Russell and Scott Rosen revamp a skit from last spring, or did they create a sequel? I dunno, either way, this one went 2 out 3 falls and was called Extreme Tension. This was the classic stare down. While the stare down themselves ranged from 6 seconds to 30 seconds, the preparation that went into each face off was more like 3 minutes. It was kinda like a Tyson his earlier days people. They paced around and stretched before having 6 seconds of stare in round 2. This was more detailed than the first time and funnier too. The whole thing was about 10 minutes.


Matt and Tim returned immediately after the skit to do some more improv work with the crowd. They did a small segment on Star Wars Trivia, and followed it up with a parody of Pete Guithers Public Service Announcements by talking about the dangers of drugs. Each had a prop(?) back, one filled with a white powdery substance and the other contained marijuana substitute. Both ended up dumped on the audience and gave three girls in the front row a bit of a powdering.


Jeff and Caitlyn returned with the news and talked about the upcoming holiday season. They wanted to discuss what types of toys were popular around the world. They had a sound bite from "Little Jabar" whose wish list includes the ever-popular food and water.


The News also looked at the terror alert system put in place after 9-11. The system looks as follows:

Yellow = SHIT!!!

Orange = Oh Fuck, watch out!

Pink = Holy mother of God, I just shit my pants!!

Red = Dear God, please forgive me as I bend over and kiss my ass goodbye!


Jeff and Caitlyn also talked about a murder case that involves Theatre of Ted, as Matt Russell and Dan Huffines have been charged with homicide for the murdering of the R&G coin flipping joke, just 2 Ted's ago...


Matt & Joel displayed Nice Pants which was more of a chance for the crowd to look at the pants that Matt was wearing in preparation for the Crucible cast party that he would be leaving for in about 20 minutes. It was done in the style of a Dockers commercial. Like Forrest said: "That's all I've got to say about that..."


Matt & Tim Ted Takeover Pt. 3 included a collection of funny shit, including an apology from Tim and Matt for missing Pete's birthday and presenting him with a present, in the form of an inflatable woman for hours of birthday enjoyment. I believe that the skit "Cereal Killer" made its presence here as Matt killed a box of Fruit Loops (or something...) by tearing it apart and throwing it into the crowd! People are getting messy tonight, but hey they're loving it!!


Jeff and Caitlyn had some funny moments in Snapple Improv which saw them play out a scene and using the quotes from underneath Snapple caps to use for their missing lines. I don't know if I described it well or not, but it reminded me of what they do in Improv Mafia where you use pieces of paper with phrases on them. What made this funny for me is that they had made a Snapple reference earlier in the news. Creative and fun, with the best Snapple line being: "Lizards communicate by doing pushups"...Not overly funny on it's own, but the sexual set up before finding that cap was great.


Billy and Jeff (Tim and Matt, or was it Matt and Tim?? I know, who cares) got front and center to talk more about the dangers of drugs and they talk about their Anti-drug: Terrorism. With all of the other Anti-Drug commercials out there today, lets look at some of the things that children could be doing with their free time...Terrorism eh?


Matt decided to do a revival of the old Ted favorite "B Poetry Hour" showing that, yes, Virginia, there is a Sant....Oh wait, that comes later. Let's try this again. Yes Virginia, there is a place for poetry at Ted. B Poetry Hour featured 2 poems written(?) by Matt himself and featured some of his inner most feelings...hehe.


Matt was in boxer shorts as he started his first poem was about a girl named Sally and was a set up for the grandeur to come. The second poem was dealing with his(?) mother. When asking the questions that fed the lyrical enjoyments, he used a Ziplock bag full of melting snickers bars in order to "crap" all over himself. Man, I LOVE POETRY!!! He stepped in it, he got it near/in his mouth and the crowd was loving it. You would've thought the whole crowd was told they would all given blow jobs or something...

(Good segway, eh?)

AND THE third OF HIS POEMS WAS ABOUT Santa Claus. Seeing that we are fast approaching the holiday season Matt was going to share a Santa Poem only to be interrupted by the big man himself!!


HO HO HO!!! And we're not talking about the 3 Ted groupies that follow me to my car after the first Ted of each month. Santa Claus is in the Building. Santa walked the crowd giving away presents and candy to all the good children at Ted. Jeff Blum must have been extra special this year because he got the high $ gift this year in the form of porn on DVD, in the form of women 400 pounds and heavier. He gave away all of his suckers until he saw little Matt, holding his interrupted poem, wanting to know where his presents were and where his sucker was. Well, Santa felt bad and decided that even though he was out of suckers, he did have something else that little Matt could suck on, and like something straight out of the Pedophiles!!! I loved every minute of it. As little Matt went down on Santa, he noticed his mouth filling up with something that wasn't eggnog. It was milk and Matt spit it straight over the audience!!!


So, lets take time to reflect here. Flour, weed substitute, cereal and now milk had dowsed the Ted audience. It was a like a Gallagher show, only without any melons, except for 4 lovely ladies.


After th festivities with Santa were over, Tim and Matt talked about coming back to Ted and how much they had enjoyed being about to come down and be part of it all once again. They even had a bit of a surprise for everyone there as they put on some music and presented juice and cookies for everyone.


For those of you reading and saying what the hell, just imagine the scene at Carnegie Hall from Man on the Moon (Jim Carrey as Andy Kaufman). It was really cool to have such tie ins, especially when considering the use of Fenwick Guither (the Tony Clifton substitute). I'm probably over stating the obvious, but I'm not sure how many of you actually are as familiar with Kaufman as you should be.

"Theatre of Ted, Enthusiastic Applause"



***The running time for Theatre of Ted was 1 hours and 40 minutes***



List of Performance Pieces (in order of performance)


(There were a total of 11 performance pieces at Ted)


Tim Ahlberg addresses Ted

Dan w/ Random thoughts

Matt & Tim Ted Takeover Pt. 1

Jeff w/ More Thoughts on a Different Perspective

Matt & Scott w/ Extreme Tension

Matt & Tim Ted Takeover Pt. 2

Jeff & Caitlyn w/the News

Matt & Joel w/ Nice Pants

Matt & Tim Ted Takeover Pt. 3

Jeff & Caitlyn w/ Snapple Improv

Matt & Tim Ted Takeover Pt. 4



And the ballots are in.......


Performance Piece(s) of the Week


The overall works of Tim Ahlberg Matt Vesic


The Penis Monologue



Performer(s) of the Week


Tim Ahlberg & Matt Vesic



WoW MoM moment of the week


Having Matt Vesic become the first naked person at Ted in a looong time!!