Theatre of TED

October 20, 2002



List of performers


Shane Johnson----Jon Legat----Matt Russell

Rico Natale----Jared Winkler----Brian Clouthier

Ricky Rodriguez----Matt Morales---Tom Pleviak

Jared Beckley---Maren Brucker---Cassie Vlahos

John Stagg---Jeff---Will Turbyfill---Dan Radcliffe

Nick Lamb---Mike Schmueck----Caitlin Barlow

Pete Guithers God Uncle and his effeminate lacky

                                Tony “Dansa”




(Italics denotes a new performer at TED)


22 performers at this weeks of Ted


Total Attendance


69 was the magic number this week at Ted cause I say so!!



Matt’s Personal Note

This was the second week for me hosting and I must say this was a very FRESH Ted. There was definitely a different environment in the air and it was nice to see that difference. Isn’t it nice to see some new fresh faces at TED? I would like to give special recognition to the 5 new performers who got up the gall to make it happen. Not much more to say here today since I’m tired and have a sizeable amount of masturb— I mean homework to do…yeah that’s it…


Notes from TED

“Theatre of Ted, Enthusiastic Applause”


This weeks Ted started off with a song. Matt Russell Sat down whilst the classical Musical piece was presented. Matt continued to sit while the music was playing until it appeared that the music cued him. He then proceded to talk about the one and only everlasting George W. Bush. If you went to the CPA dedication ceremony, think of the dude who talked about Lincoln for, in my opinion, no reason. Matt then proceded to do a little monologue to warm up the audience.


Next up, The Bastard Mime Returns from vacation! This time the Bastard Mime decided to play a party game favorite of putting a funnel in his pants and dropping a quarter off of his head into the funnel. Bastard Mime couldn’t do it so he dared Jon Legat try. Jon got the funnel in his drawers, and the quarter on his head, but as he was doing so the Bastard Mime had gotten a glass of water out and was about to pour the H20 down poor Johnny Jon’s pants—But Jon was too quick for it this time and the Bastard mime just got water all over the floor and himself. Better luck next time you Bastard


Going on to our next act—whats this? Pete Guithers God Uncle, who was in a wheelchair by the way, was driven into our audience by some nicely dressed effeminate guy…would somebody PLEASE get that old guy a cough drop?


And I’m Proud to be an American….yadda yadda yadda you know how it goes. The complete History of America Abbrgd. Is back! This time Jared reenacted the ancient Antilope Intestine Dance that was part of his “tribe” several hundred years ago. Strange when he twisted those “intestines” into an “antilope” it looked close to a “dog.” Oh well guess that is the “punchline”.


Next up is---uh-oh it looks like Pete Guithers God Uncle doesn’t have very proper manners. Grumpy Guither was immediately wheeled up infront of the audience and proceded to yell for Pete…who did not show up. Obviously frusterated by Guithers disappearance he proceded to take it out on the audience and your host for the evening. Guithers God Uncle talked a bit about the olden days (whilst peppering his conversation with you Mother F(okk)ers) and told about the olden days of TED? Hmmm…mysterious play afoot.


Well before I was so rudely interrupted The Party with Nick, Caitlin and Mike was up. This Improved scene involved both Nick and Mike eyeing the “sexy” “Jen” (boy do I have a thing for quotes today or what) who was so very attractive with her loud gross sounding belches, snorts and her constant reminders of “I have to take a shit”. Nick and Mike competed for the hand of the lovely Jen and….Nick seemed to win by an indifferent choice made by Jen “whatever, lets go have sex now”. (insert virginity joke here)


Up next was Generalized Shakespeare. Where Dan Radcliffe introduced to the Ted audience for the first time his insperation to all Shakesperian Theatre: Will Turbyfill.

The dynamic duo ™ then proceded to demonstrate the differences between the different King characters and Messenger Character…My favorite, the Evil King with a physical defect. Hilarious stuff, I simply can not do the piece justice so I will not try. After the piece was over and Pete’s God Uncle made a nasty remark Dan replied “you must be this tall for this skit” holding a hand way over the handicapped mans head. Hilarity ensued.


Cassie Vlahos and Maren Brucker then gave us a Public Service Anouncement. Are you down and out, tired of not getting cast, just fed up with the world? Try masturbation. It seemed to get the audience…uh…excited. Maren and Cassie said that you would not regret it cause you would get that “Nick Izzo spring in your step”. If you needed any assistance, such as sex toys, Dan Huffines will direct you to the nearest sex toy shop.


Singing up next was Tom Pleviak doing an excellent acapella version of “Jacks Lament” from the movie The Nightmare Before Christmas. This comment coming from a guy who is OBSESSED with this movie, me, I thought Tom was dead on. Nicely done.


Another fresh face at TED made his appearance tonight, John Stagg, who decided to get up enough courage to share some of his poetry that he had written. Uh-oh, Pete’s God Uncle seems to want to intimidate this first timer. Alas it was all for naught since Pete’s God Uncle did not know that John Stagg had BALLS OF STEEL. John asked the audience to excuse him for a moment and proceded to wheel Pete’s God uncle out of the room much to the appreciation and cheering of all tedders. Since Ted is an equal opportunity employer and that being a jerk is a handicap and we have to recognize that we had to let him back in. I mean c’mon with all the back and forth between becoming the church of TED…and then not…and then becoming church of TED again, we certainly did not need to loose our funding a second time…anyways I digress.

John’s Piece was quite a witty one. Featuring a young Karl Marx playing basketball and realizing how great communisim would work! Once again I am speechless on the poem as it was so witty anything I vaguely remember from Saturday night, aside from the ravenous sex, would be a blur and tarnish the poem itself. Nice job John and I hope to see you back here again.


Next up the Men’s Project Part 2. This time Shane was waiting for a sandwich from his two buddies Jon and Mike. When he got the sandwich it was opened and Jon and Mike quickly explained it was the last one left and they got a discount on it. Shane was so hungry that he said what the hell and ate it anyway…then a look of disgust came on his face as he pulled from his mouth…a used condom. In asking the two guys why would you do something like this they simply replied “cause we’re men”.


Next up was It’s the News with Caitlin and Jeff. This was another fresh face with Jeff performing for the first time(outside of tagged clan?) so kudos to you-dos. Caitlin and Jeff proceded to tell the TED audience that they really enjoy the funny pieces that go up at TED every weekend, however they wanted us to know some real news information that might help us. They also said that they get nervous performing infront of an audience so they imagine everyone in their underwear. So they said they would help us out by performing in their underwear. Jeff then proceded to set one of his shoes up on the table and Caitlin asked what size shoe it was, and he replied Ten and Caitlin started laughing at him and said she thought he would be…bigger…in shoe size. This peeved Jeff. Caitlin proceded to go through a bit of news that a hash dealer had gotten a Nobel prize. Jeffs news was that the famous myth of Shoe Size correlating with penis size was dispelled. A Terriffic piece.



Rico and Jared performed another Improv skit this time cleverly titled the night before, before what? I don’t know. YOU DECIDE. A party was held…that’s right the night before. And Jareds place seemed to be messed up. The two got to talking and discovered that they were making out with the same woman. Talk about weird especially when Jared revealed at the end that Rico was his father.


Shane then got up and did a piece called Girls names. Telling the audience that there were three names of girls that he would never ever like to see or talk to a person by that name again…he made one name poignantly clear though…anyone with the name Sara, must be a two-time-skanky-bee-och-slut-whore who likes to stuff herself full of Richard and post crappy pictures of herself being streetwalkerish all over the net. Hmmmmmmm….anyone know anyone who fits that discription?


Nick gave us another Slam….of POETRY that is!!! Nick wrote a poem called I work to I am and performed it “keepin’ it real” in Slam Style. Nick then improved some Slam with the topics of Condoms and Faries. How much slam can you handle nick, HOW MUCH SLAM CAN YOU HANDLE?????


Looks like its time for Pete’s God uncle to go to beddy-bye but he did not go quietly. He left us yelling a threat of that he would return and that Ted was doomed. He then maniacially laughed and coughed as he was wheeled out to go home, not talk to anyone, and wait for deaths icy fingers while he watches that re-run of Matlock. I hear he gets the bad guy in this episode!!!


A Surprise guest appeared in the form of Tony…(Danza?). Tony wanted to say that he graduated ISU in ’98 and loves to come back and see that we are still doing some of the stuff he did while he was here. He said that it is hard out in the real world so get involved here at ISU as much as you can. Words that ring true, especially for those who are graduating (finally) this year.


Last but not least Jon Grabb got up for his piece “Bringing back Animal House” and told us all to rise up as he put on that wonderful song “Shout” we all sang along and dance to the tune. Thanks Jon we needed that.


“Theatre of Ted, Enthusiastic Applause”


A note on Pete’s God Uncle : I’m having a hard time describing him…If I was a Father I would say to my kid to describe Pete’s God Uncle, “that guy was a penis. You might say he was a peter, which was slang for penis back in my day. And going about all mysterious he sure seemed sneaky. Yup that was one sneaky peter, son.”




***The running time for Theatre of Ted was 1 hour and 51 minutes 26 sec.***




List of Performance Pieces (in order of performance)




George W. Bush was a trite man

Matt’s Monologue/Rant

The Bastard Mime Returns from Vacation

Pete’s God Uncle

The complete history of America…abbrgd.

The Party

Generalized Shakespeare

Public Service Anouncement with Cassie and Maren

Tom Pleviak with a Song

John Stagg with a Reading

The Men’s Project part 2

Caitlin and Jeff with It’s the News

The Night Before

Shane with Girls Names

Slam Poetry

Jon Grabb with bringing back Animal House


(There were a total of 16 performance pieces at Ted)



And the ballots are in…….


Performance Piece(s) of the Week


Caitlin and Jeff with “It’s the News

Generalized Shakespeare



Performer of the Week


Pete’s God Uncle…he was everywhere,

All over the Burg…he made it such a funhouse.


Matt Russell’s “That takes Nads” award


John Stagg

Finally a man who can live up to a last name like that. I bet he’s hung like one.


*Super secret hidden theme of the week*


Sex (with oneself, with others or with toys)