Theatre of TED

October 12, 2002

List of performers



Dan Huffines, Matt Russell, Scott Rosen, Mike Schmeck, Nikki Manitis, Nick Lamb, Nicks friend Kevin, Jenni Stukin, John Legat, Jared Beckley, Matt Morales, Ricky Rodriguez, Enrico Natale, Jared Winkler, Pete Guither, Nick Izzo, Johnathan Grabb, Konami


(Italics denotes a new performer at TED)



17 performers at this weeks TED, most were in multiple performances





Total Attendance

This week’s attendance at TED for fall break 2002 was a monstrous 30 persons...maybe.




Notes from TED

“Theatre of Ted Enthusiastic Applause”


This week starts the two weeks of having a guest host, Matt Russell!

This came somewhat as a surprise to Matt since he was virtually unprepared and had to find makeshift items for sign-in. Believe me, there was a period in there where Matt was debating on using toilet paper for sign in and notes. That won’t happen again. Besides that news this week’s Ted had to have been the most relaxed Ted of the year thus far. A very strong and supporting environment prompted several improv scenes to go up later in the evening, and there was a WHOPPING 24 performances this week even though attendance was low! The most performances of the year so far as I’ve calculated. Wouldn’t you know it some EXCELLENT things came out of it.



Matt Started things off with a small monologue, saying that usually comedians talk about things in the news, but since the only news he reads is videogame news he decided to make jokes about videogames... “You guys seen the new game Time Splitters 2? I hear it’s the best shooter since N.A.R.C. !” If you get that joke, congratulations you are one of about 3 people who did.


Then it happened. The most OFFENSIVE SKIT in the history of Mankind and Ted as we know it. Long story short Matt Russell, Dan Huffines and Scott Rosen explored the possibility of what would happen if you took the events of September 11 and combined them with the events of the Holocaust. Hitler planes anyone? Is that building wearing a...Keepa?


The next piece of the evening was an update on Mikes Ted Challenge where he admitted to sneaking a few cigarettes, I believe 10 was the magic number since he vowed to stop smoking. Mike also announced that the Ted Challenge was over for him. He said he would continue to stop smoking however. Two people have caught Mike smoking and Mike was going to take his punishment for the evening. The crafty person who stumbled upon Schmeck sucking a cancer stick was none other than your host for the evening, Matt Russell. There were always three rules to follow with the punishment

1. Nothing that will evolve the twig and berries

2. Nothing that will have mike end up in jail

3. Nothing that will have mike end up in the hospital


and with that Matt began the punishment by asking Mike for his wallet. There were several interesting things in the wallet, Debit Cards, Drivers Licenses...but what's this!

There is $35 in cash in here. Matt decided to take $20 from Mike since he said he was not a complete asshole, but Mike demanded that Matt take all $35. Matt did this because he wants to help Mike quit smoking and you can’t buy a pack without green...well maybe you can in prison but that is beside the point. Matt then promptly borrowed a cell phone and used the money Mike gave him to order pizza for all of Ted from dominos. (this took a while due to the fact that the guy on the other line was telling Matt his life story over the phone.) Thanks for the pizza mike.


Next up was a delightful song duet with Scott Rosen and Nikki Manitis singing a Monty Python Classic hit involving Scott using interesting noises and words to censor Nikki’s dirty language in the song. Quite funny.


Dan Huffines decided that he was inspired to quit smoking also from mike’s challenge. Dan is using the same format as Mike with one added rule:


Instead of taking the one cigarette like mike did, Dan took 3. Is that a weakness or BRILLIANCE? You decide. Good luck Dan!


The first improv piece of the night starred Nick Lamb and Nicks friend Kevin with a volunteer from the audience, Ricky Rodriguez. It was the old Alphabet improv where the audience starts the scene out by giving the improvers a letter and every subsequent sentence spoken must begin with the next letter of the alphabet. ex: Good morning!---How do you say get the picture. The scene involved a bit of risque sodomizing. Who knew BlowJobs could go so wrong?


The next improv scene was just for Kevin and Nick and this one was whose line. Audience members wrote down a whole bunch of random sentences. And the improvers had to pull one sentence out at a time during the scene and make sense of it in the context of the scene. Who knew that “Give me Liberty, or give me DEATH” could be shouted at the climax of fornication? Quite possibly Patrick Henry did ; )


The next scene is----interrupted by Pete Guither who admitted that he also was inspired by Mikes Challenge and admitted that he was masturbating furiously 4-5 times a day and challenged us to...well...join him! Not there at Ted though...that would have been something else ....hmmmmm.


The next scene is---interrupted by Scott Rosen, Jeez were these people raised in a barn, C’MON! Scott decided that he was going to challenge himself to DOUBLE his smoking amount to 1 pack a day since he does not smoke. He made his point stick by putting a pack behind his ear, ala Huffines’ cigarettes behind ear.


FINALLY the next scene on the schedule! It’s the Debut of the MEN'S PROJECT. Looks like some of the males decided that they were a bit jealous that women get all the parts here. j/k. I don’t want to say too much about it so I’m going to sum this one up in one word...SNOWBALL. Trust me if you were there you would not forget this skit.


Scott Rosen gave us an element of suspense. Scott took out a scratch off lotto card and the numbers were $1, --ohhh $1 c’mon one more....$25 d’oh!


John Legat, Jenni Stukin, Matt and Dan performed a skit entitled Freedom of Speech next. This skit was a salute to the Upright Citizens Brigade (if you know who they are then BLESS YOU ). Permission to speak egotistically? It was very well performed and was the best skit created in the history of planet earth.


Oh beautiful for spacious skies...THAT'S RIGHT the complete history of America abbrgd. was back again--sans pleviak. No matter. Whilst Tommy Boy was getting some sweet Mexican lovin (apparently due to the explanation that Matt and Jared threw us.) Matt Morales and Jared Beckley made us chuckle as they presented a contest called Queen for a DAY! HUZZZAH! Trivia questions pertaining to women in American history were asked. If you got the answer right (hint: the answer is always Oprah Winfrey or Queen Latifa if you need to guess) you were given some sort of Harry Potter card game spell card. Oh the times where I’ve imagined being Queen for a day....duh duh dum dum dum...Another one bites the dust....


An Offensive Skit worse than the first was presented by Mike Schmeck. Columbine the musical anyone? Part 2 next week.


Element of Suspense part 2 with Scott scratching off another lotto card...and this time its a !!!!! BUST again...sorry Scott.


The Lake Park Boys, Rico, Jared, Mike and Ricky presented a funny scene called Fetishes Week. This time it centered around 3 horny teenagers looking for porn on television (typecast?) and finding a program on HBO entitled Fetishes Week...this week hosted by DON KNOTTS! This weeks fetish saggy old man boobies. Use your imagination. Uh-oh the remotes broken...up next Nelson Mandela.


Scotts back with Element of Suspense part 3...let’s see this time. Ok things are looking goo---OH ANOTHER BUST AGAIN? Why god why? Scotts done for--BUT WAIT !

Scott Rosen has just pulled another lotto card from his pocket! another card, another chance!............................(suspense)..................................................................................Too bad another bust. Next time Scott, next time.


The last Black and White film star made his debut at Ted...but he was SAD...why? The world has gone to $#!t, cause everything is in color. That was not going to stop this Mute Man from going under, he was looking for a partner to work with. Pretty cool things, and EXCELLENT makeup. Zoinks!


Ricky, Jared Winkler, Mike and Enrico decided to present their improved piece Ties to the Gold mine and started out by explaining to the audience that Rico has a serious problem developing--But WAIT THE PIZZA IS HERE! WOW so many surprises at TED this week, don’t you wish YOU were here? It’s CRAZY!...people thought the pizza was more important than poor ricos condition, so a small break was called whilst everyone avoided the Noid and indulged in Dominos goodness. Yummy...ok back to the scene. Rico has lost his sense of humor and is not funny anymore. (Anymore? He was funny? ; P ) so the solution to this is that when rico tries to entertain you, you must turn your back and walk away. To be put into effect ALL THE TIME.


Scorned Shakespeare was next. Scott Rosen decided that since he had a small bit part in Romeo and Juliet in high school, Friar John, that he would expand on Friar John’s story. Hilarity ensued as Friar John revealed that he was actually a WAY better Friar than Friar Lawrence was. “I was in the honors friar class...he was in remedial friars class.”


Nick Izzo and Jonathan Grabb performed a gripping improv called the Last Chapter of Horror. Nick started off by doing a dead on impression of Anthony Hopkins Hannibal Lechter. Hannibal was disappointed that the new detective, John was not scared of his...scary ways. My favorite quote was after Hannibal is humbled and finds out a certain element is missing from the prison mess hall “ They’re not serving pudding??!!!!!!”


Nick Lamb did some poetry based on a character he created called Bic Pentamiter...get it I-Am-Bic Pentamiter?...hilarious! The poetry was rather well thought out and seemed to mean a lot to Nick. Thank you for having the courage to share with us.


Ricky and Schmeck then presented half-life. Half life is yet another improv game where the scene is performed in thirty seconds then cut in half subsequent times. 30-15-7...etc until it was 1 second long...“Alcohol--hit me.”


Ricky performed a Shakespeare Bit inspired by Scott Rosen’s earlier performance. Ricky decided to give us the after story of the 3rd man beheaded in Titus Andronicus... “life sucks without a head”


An improv poetry slam was presented by Nick pertaining to ...why olives of course in this instance. It was actually pretty good IMODO (sorry Dan! ).


Good God! Mike Schmeck presented Shakespearian Bit another this time. Mike seems to have been also influenced by Scott's performance earlier...this time Mike presented the story of the 3rd guard in 12th night...too many numbers. “You can’t smile or your director will cut off your b@llz”


HOLY MOLEY! this TED ain’t dead yet! An improv poetry slam BATTLE ensued with Nick Lamb vs. Ricky Rodriguez...awesome stuff. We had Poetry battle of Leperacy vs. Licorice followed up by a duel of Black belt karate poetry vs. blind pigs. I am amazed at the skill of the flowing prose, proposed out of those who chose to slam.


and our final event for the evening is DDR, presented by Konami. Konami (the game company) has created an intoxicating game where you dance to the rhythm of different techno songs played using a special pad reminiscent of the Nintendo power pad of old school days. DDR was totally optional and anyone who wanted to participate was allowed to...all four people.


So I lied there was actually 26 pieces for the night


Theater of Ted enthusiastic applause.



List of Performance Pieces


Matt’s Intro/monologue

The Most Offensive Skit...EVER

Ted Challenge or Punishment for Mike

A Song

A Challenge


Whose Line

Pete’s Challenge

Scott’s Challenge

The Men’s Project

Element of Suspense

Freedom of Speech

The Complete History of America Abbrgd. pt. 2

Offensive Skit Worse than the First

Element of Suspense 2

Fetishes Week

Element of Suspense 3

The Last Black and White film star

Ties to the Gold Mine

Scorned Shakespeare

The Last Chapter of Horror

Iambic Pentameter


Shakespeare Bit

Poetry Slam

Another Shakespeare Bit

Slam Poetry Duel




***Running time for this weeks Theatre of Ted was approximately 2 hours.***


Now its time for everybody’s favorite...AWARDS!


This week:


Performer of the week


Scott Rosen, he inspired so much and everything he touched turned to gold, that's 7 pieces...nice job Scott.


Performance Piece(s) of the week


Fetishes Week

The Men's Project


Matt Russell’s “That Takes Nads” award


Mike Schmeck, for living up to his words

Nick Lamb for taking a giant risk with his poetry


*Super Secret hidden theme of the week*

Now this is not a new AWARD but just an observation. Every week at TED it seems that there is at least one re-occurring tie to most performance pieces.

This weeks:


write down all the hidden topics for this year and you will get a cookie at the final TED of the year! Either that or maybe nothing at all.