Theatre of TED

September 7, 2002



List of performers


Matt Russell Dan Huffines Keith Nadal

Pete Guither Nick Izzo Becky Kuzar

Dan Radcliff Nick Lamb Mike Schmeck

Brian Clouthier Tom Pleviak Rico Natale

Jared Winkler Andy Handback Sandy


(Italics denotes a new performer at TED)


15 performers at the first Ted of the year, many of whom performed multiple times!


Total Attendance


Attendance on Saturday night reached 78. I say "reached," because some came late and at least 1 (all in good fun) came as Ted was ending.



Notes from TED


“Theatre of Ted, Enthusiastic Applause”


Deacon Russell began by addressing the audience and introducing the "undeniable" "incorruptible"….."The Reverend Huffines." "The Reverend" made his way through the "congregation" to the classical biblical hymn "Let's Get it on"


The Church of Ted of Ted was now in session. From his Alter, "The Reverend" talked about how Theatre of Ted was not eligible for Tax-Exempt-Status so Ted had been changed, both "legally & spiritually" into The Church of Ted. Because of the change, Ted was no longer having to answer to the rules and constitution of a Registered Student Organization. The Church of Ted had been able to establish its own rules, it's own orders, its own commandments, if you will.


Commandment #1

This is Ted by God, & though shall have no Ted's before ours!!


Commandment #2

Though shall not kill the audience with Stupid Ass Skits.


Commandment #3

Remember Saturday Nights at Midnight, and keep it Holy.


Commandment #4

Honor thy Ted and other important groups like Improv Mafia.


Commandment #5

Though shall not steal my ideas or my beer…for both are hated sins.


Commandment #6

Women of the congregation: Though shall remain celibate, unless it's with myself, Deacon Russell or Brother Richmond.


Commandment #7

Though shall not covet thy neighbors Goldfarb!!


Commandment #8

Though shall not shit in a bucket and call it art!!


Commandment #9

Though shall not bear false witness in saying that my skit sucks!!


Commandment #10

This one is intended for me and for me only. This Commandment came to me in a dream, and in that dream a divine voice said: On the 7th day of the week, though shall rest, but only after Host Notes are completed.


There they are/were, the 10 commandments of The Church of Ted!


Performance pieces will now be referred to as testimonials, and before "Brother Matt" was to pass around the collection plates, we would all sing a Holy Hymn. Since many in the congregation didn't yet have a copy of the Bible of Ted or The Hymn Book (featuring Barry White & Marvin Gaye), The Reverend Huffines had made copies of the nights first hymn for the entire congregation. "Brother Russell" passed them out and with the light already being perfect (except for actually reading the lyrics…but c'mon people, it's all about mood!)…The Madonna Choir (Via previous recorded performance..hehe) kicked in and the entire congregation rose to their feet and sang "Like A Prayer"


After about 3 minutes of song, "The Rightous, Brother Handback" entered to deliver some mail that had come to the Ted mailbox the previous week. There were 2 letters. The first was from the IRS…The Good Reverend red aloud the news, and it seems that Theatre of Ted had been wrongly denied its Tax-Exempt-Status. We didn't have to be a church after all. And a good thing, because I don't think I could stand to wear that outfit every Saturday night!


But, as I mentioned before I received 2 letters. The second one however was not for Theatre of Ted, it was addressed to Keith Nadal….how convenient, Keith was in attendance…Gee golly, I don't know what we have done had keith not been there to receive his letter….har..har.


Keith came up and read what turned out to be a letter from Archie Nun. After explaining his absense following his murder of Walt Disney at the final Ted last year, he went on to talk about his current where abouts and then left the audience with 2 pieces of news: 1) A new 5 part series will be returning to Ted and 2) "Sprites on me…check the cabinet, under the sink." Keith then got the Sprites out of the cabinet and threw them into the audience.


Pete Guither presented the corwd with "What to Expect at Ted." If you missed Ted this past Saturday or didn't quite get the opportunity to take in all the piece, I would encourage you to check out the "About Ted" section of the website. A copy of it is posted there.


Nick Izzo's first piece of the night was called "The Day I Lost My Friend." It was story about his dog Sparky and how man's best friend can also become his enemy. As the story went, "Sparky" was responsible for blowing up the house. The piece was good, but was stoeln by Annette Fetch's dog, Kid-A. As Nick's line of bad dog was yelled, Kid-A barked (you would've thought it was cued).


We then welcomed back the amazing and wonderful Kuzar, who performed a song entitled "Silver Star" or "1 Blank Page"….take your pick. She said that the latter title came from the fact that she wrote it on the last piece of paper of her notebook. Good piece and ushered in the first of 3 different singing pieces of the evening.


Dan Radcliff presented a hilarious video. For the life of me I can't remember what group put them together, but it was awesome! It was an advertisement for "The Road -Kill Spatula." All I can say is MMmmmm.


Nick returned with a piece entitled "What the Fu**" He talked about a number of things but to of the most prevalent issues where a revival of the Elevator Story and some of his new findings and the dumb things that people say. He talked about bringing his bike onto the elevator and reactions that he got from that. He also talked about the first anniversary of 9-11 and how a lot of people are to apt to falling into the category of Patriots-for-Day. He discussed the importance of not just showing people how you feel on certain days, but to show those around you how you feel, everyday. Though provoking.


And Now a Word from our Sponsors: (Courtesy of the 3ft. Gator Players)--Featuring Mike & Brian. During the break from a Jon Voit Marathon, we heard a commercial from the makers of Gerital (sp?--but you get the point). They asked the important questions in life: Are you a man who is too quick in bed? Would you like to become more…potent, in your staying power? Well, the makers of Gerital have the product for you and the side effects are limited. Among the effects listed were headaches, nausea, explosive diarrhea, swelling of the testicles and shrinkage of the actual shaft….oh and memory loss.


Preacher Tom spoke to the "congregation" about the evil in the world and tried to inspire the masses with song. (I must apologize here to Tom, but I have forgotten the name of the song and didn't get it written down. My apologies sir) Everyone really got into it and it was the feel good piece of the night!


Nick Izzo returned with The Chosen One. The story of sperm: That maybe they have their own religion and they believe in life beyond the Urethra. Sterile men are the result of their sperm being atheists. Nick believes that his sperm was named "Dorene" (Why, you ask? You'll have to ask Nick about that one. Other than remembering his name, all that he remembers is that he was an excellent swimmer.


Rico & Jared did a scene from a 30-minute play, they took 10 minutes of it and played a scene over a girl named Allison and it was awesome to watch. (On a personal note, these are some of my favorite things to see at Ted)…Jared Winkler, a freshman, was awesome at the first Ted of the year!


I would go into more detail, but ya know, I almost feel like I'm to the point of spoon feeding everything that happens, and some things, you just have to see to appreciate and if you missed it, better luck next time.


Radcliff, Russell, Guither and myself did a piece called Something's Rotten in the State. It was an updated take on Hamlet starring "Bushlet" (Radcliff), and the Ghost of his father, Bush Senior (Russell), along with favorites Francisco and Bernardo. The skit depicted some of the issues that are evident today in our countries' progressing conflict with Iraq. Radcliff was awesome, as well was Russell.


Sandy made her Ted debut with a song that told a good story and her way of singing and movement made the song seem personal and come to life.


Mike shared a selection from the Novel he is writing. Not to give too much of it away before it's published, but it talked about a crush, the "tease" who was the focus of that crush and the struggles of getting over it in order to find happiness elsewhere.


MasterPipe Media Review: Allister Bates introduced to us his nephew, Cecil. Cecil, now 18 years old came to talk with us about his favorite movies. They included Spiderman, although I think his recollection of the movie may have been off, because I don't remember the version with Brian Dennahy and John Stamos…I believe it was Stamos, who played the part of Kersten Dunst…how appropriate. His other favorite movies included Empire Strikes Back & 9 1/2 weeks.


Izzo's 3rd piece of the evening was called My Dog Sparky. It was, I believe, an adaptation from MalcomX, from his dog, Sparky's point of view. The best line, IMODO, was in reference to your dog looking at you with a question of "Hey, what's it like not to have to beg to take a piss."


Scene from a Neighbors Marker Board was an impromptu piece by Brian Clouthier. It was short but fun, displaying the true to life pains, and the epic struggle of those who are damned in life. (Okay, maybe that's overkill, but if I descibed, I would have ended up only writing out the entire skit.)


Pete Guither put together rant inspired by Nick Lambs earlier piece. Pete talked about the Pledge of Allegiance, especially the phrase: "One Nation Under God." Pete talked about a certain Supreme Court Justice, who wrote an opinion (a personal one, and after his retirement), indicating that Government had a mandate from God to make laws and decisions and carry out the penalties of those who break laws. The Justice's opinion was meant for Catholic Judges, who may have a moral issue with sentencing someone to death. The Justice indicated that the God have given the power to the state. Pete talked about the dangers in seeing government as an institution of God. He then presented his Revised Version of the Pledge of Allegiance, which was void of any mention of God, but had the ideals that a country is of the people and for the people.


The final piece of the night was a Public Service Announcement from Dan about 2 problems that face our great society….Homelessness, but more importantly the issue of the Overcrowding Pet Population. There was once simple solution to both problems: Make the Homeless Pets!!!


The house rises to leave as the extended version of the Cheers theme song plays



“Theatre of Ted, Enthusiastic Applause”



***The running time for Theatre of Ted was 2 hours and 15 minutes***




List of Performance Pieces (in order of performance)


Yearly intro--The Church of Ted

Letter from Archie Nun

What to Expect at Ted

The Day I Lost My Friend

The welcoming back of Kuzar

Dan w/ a video

What the Fu**

3 Ft. Gator Players Present: Mike & Brian: & Now a word from our Sponsors

Preacher Tom w/ some words for the wise

The Chosen One

Rico & Jared from the 3 Ft. Gator Players doing a scene

Something's Rotten in the State

A Waitresses Story

Mike w/a selection from the Novel he's writing

MasterPipe Media Review

My Dog Sparky

Scene on a Neighbors Marker board

Pete Guither w/a Rant

Public Service Announcement


(There were a total of 19 performance pieces at Ted)



And the ballots are in…….


Performance Piece(s) of the Week


Enrico Natale & Jared Winkler's Scene


Performer of the Week




WoW MoM moment of the week


The return of Theatre of Ted for another year of awesome performances!