Theatre of TED

April 20, 2002



List of performers


                     Dan Huffines              Scott Rosen               Pete Guither

                     Matt Russell              Enrico Natale             Ricky Rodriguez

                     Brian Clouthier           Mike Schmeck Dan Radcliff

                     Jenny Sukin               Shawn ______ Jason Wrobeleski

                     Tiffany Moore           


(Italics denotes a new performer at TED)


(Due to siblings weekend and other off campus visitors this weekend, there were some performers that participated, but I’m unsure of what there names where. They were involved with the 3 Ft. Gator Players; unfortunately I do not have the names at this time to give proper credit)


Total Attendance


Attendance at the April 20 Theatre of Ted was 47 people.




Notes from TED


“Theatre of Ted, Enthusiastic Applause”


The evening began with the “Scott Rosen” (?) welcoming everyone to Ted and boasting about his latest conquest with the Rubik’s Cube (Not what you think people!) He went on to describe that his talents were not limited to only the cube, but also spanned over any kind of mind puzzle that has confused man for years…..With that he attempted to top his previous performances by conquering an even greater challenge; The Hasbro Brand 25 piece Easter Puzzles from Jewel-Osco. With Ode-A-Tuna as background music, “Scott” signaling for the crowd to clap in encouragement, and a man looking a little like Scott Rosen as the official time keeper, “Scott” once again Amazed the Peeps as he completed this mind challenge (Recommended for ages 3-7) in less than 5 minutes!!! In fact it was 1 minute 25 seconds to be precise…..Way to go “Scott” !!!!!


Dan Huffines remained in “Scott” garb for the majority of the remainder of the show.


Next up was the 3 Ft. Gator Players Present: Times Not To Joke Part 4. The night also saw Parts 5 & 6 of Times Not to Joke. The first dealt with a sexual situation in which we all agree, joking is not allowed. Part 5 and Part 6 followed through the evening dealing with issue such as Marriage (and what you should not say at the alter) and another reference to personal issues.


Matt Russell was assisted by Scott Rosen in bringing to life a musical Year in Review. All of the mainstage and studio shows to date were featured, and the following is a list of the theme song that parodied each show.

Laramie Project—Brady Bunch

The Cuchulain Cycle—Tranformers Theme

The Visit—Theme from Cheers

The Mandrake—Fragel Rock

The Man Who Came to Dinner—The Odd Couple

Fuddy Meers—Theme from Different Strokes

Endgame—The Man Show Theme

Big River—Theme from Gilligan’s Island

The Beaux Strategem—Theme from Silver Spoons

Macbeth—Theme from C.O.P.S.


The Notes cannot do justice to this piece, which was highly charged and funny as hell. Hopefully we will have the opportunity to add the lyrics of the Year in Review in the near future.


Brian Clouthier performed and original song, which was not titled, however if pressed to name one, it sounded as though it would be Truth is Only Relevant. Anyone who likes good edgy original music, that has a good sound to it, would have enjoyed this performance…Great Work!!


Pete Guither made a list of announcements reminding students that although the semester is winding down, that there are still a number of activites that are going on for students to be involved with and support. Of these, he named: Macbeth, Freshman One Acts, The Spring Dance Concert, Piano Lesson, the 4-Square Marathon (Last year, John Legeat went 24-hours straight), the final Theatre of Ted (April 27) and Mock Prom (Saturday, May 4). Pete talked about Mock Prom and shared a little bit of the history behind the event. This year will be the 15th annual Mock Prom and the 13th annual Goldfarb awards.


Dan Radcliff put together a “Best of” type of performance featuring some of the best and funniest stuff he had done throughout the semester. Aside from his standup which is always great to hear, he revamped some of the best moments from his crowd pleaser “Master Pipe Theatre”, bringing back everyone’s favorite: Oedipus Rex: The Musical


Scott Rosen was up next as he did a piece entitled “Father-Time Auld Ensign” It started out as a serious topic until Matt Russell ran into the room wearing a huge diaper and unbeknownst to him, Scott had changed the skit without telling Matt. So essentially, there was no real reason for Matt to be wearing a diaper. Matt was visibly upset and went off on Scott and in his rage lost control of the diaper, or at least the front part of it. Hi Matt, How you doin’? After a couple of minutes of rant, Matt stormed out and left Scott to do what he had planned. Scott then opened a can of Mt. Dew and downed it in about 5 seconds and then went on to tell the story of his first time at Theatre of Ted (as a freshman) and how he received a standing ovation after the first time he performed (drinking down 3 cans of Mt. Dew as quickly as he could). Scott talked about Theatre of Ted and what it meant to him and how happy he was to be a part of its resurrection this year and how it’s back and stronger than it has been in a long, long time. Unfortunately, Scott will be unable to attend the final Theatre of Ted of the year due to a previous commitment at a convention in Cedar Rapids, and thus decided to do his farewell at this Ted. (Thanks for all of your hard work and help with everything Scott, it has been a pleasure!)


Jenny Sukin, assisted by Shawn performed a piece called 15 Stupidest things said by guys. Without further a due, here is that list.

(J=Jenny, S=Shawn)


15   Was that okay, really?

14   What is your bra size?

13   Can I grab your ass?

12   WOW!! You have big tits!

11   Did you come yet?

10   Jenny, I like you as a person. I’m just not ready for a relationship.

9      Trumpet players make the best kissers.

8      S-So are you married? J-I’m 15! S-So is that a no?

7      Jenny, lets go do stuff

6      So, where is the clit, and can you show me where it is?

5      I don’t know how…can you teach me?

4      Y should get handy man of the year! S-I can show you what lese my tool can do!!

3      Can I give you the “willies” somewhere else?

2      34 B????!!

1      I love it when you pet my chest hair.


Great stuff all around. For this piece some of the categories had subsections, which due to time constraints have been omitted, but overall the entire piece was well done and well received.


Matt Russell talked about theatre of Ted and how it is great chance to get involved and laid out an open challenged or ‘dare” to anyone who has not performed at Ted this semester, to have something ready to go at The final Theatre of Ted of the year!


Brian, Enrico, Matt, Dan R., Jason, Ricky and Mike all participated in a Musical Improv, where Brian using only 4 cords opened the forum for anyone to participate. The idea is simple: almost any song can be sung to a few simple cords. There weren’t actually many, if any popular songs sung, but a lot of Theatre specific and improvisational songs came to life. This was a continuation of last weekend, when a few people left Ted and remained in the quad until the wee hours of the morning. It didn’t quite catch on as it did last weekend, but hey, that’s like trying to bottle lightening.


Tiffany Moore made her Ted debut with an original song entitled “D-is for Diploma”. Great original piece that featured a number of Theatre references and something that almost everyone at Ted could relate to.


At Ted it is often times the case the audience feels that most of the pain during the most atrocious pieces. Fortunately, we haven’t had anything too bad this spring. But the next piece is an example of a performer feeling the most pain of anyone in the room. Enrico had to give some encouragement to Brian to get up and perform a song a cappella that they had done a while back for something else. After Brian reluctantly agreed, they began and sounded great and were going strong until out of no where, Enrico (standing to the right side of Brian) used his left hand and made the loudest “cupping” noise possible: Well, that is the loudest cupping noise that could be made between one mans hand (Enrico’s) and another mans B@11$ (Brian’s). Whether Brain knew it was coming or not, way to take one for the team. (Although personally, I’d rather be traded)


Mike Schmeck performed in Residential assistant….I funny and lighthearted look at his own R.A. Mike played the R.A. and asked such questions as


RA-Do you have tickets for the show?

Mike-What Show?

RA-The GUN SHOW!!!! AARRRGGG (while flexing his muscles)




RA-Do you have a Band-Aid?


RA-Cuz I’m CUT!!!! AARRRGGG (while flexing his muscles)




RA-Got a sewing kit?


RA-Cuz I’m RIPPED!!!! AARRRGGG (while flexing his muscles)


Funny Stuff….c’mon folks!!


Jason Wrobeleski performed a piece, which he entitled Stoned Man Rambling. Yes, he was stoned. And yes, he rambled. NUF CED


Next up was Special Traveling Show, which to be honest I did not see. I had gotten a telephone call from “BP and PZ” and needed to meet them to prepare for “their” Ted return.


Enrico & Ricky performed in Italian, a humorous look at the family and the many people that are part of it looking at his mom, his dad and some of the way they behave from a hilarious point of view, his own.


Cue the music (insert ACDC’s classic “Back in Black)…It was now time for the Return of BP & PZ…Not since the return to the World Wrestling federation of The Fake Razor and the Fake Diesel in 1996, has the world anticipated a return more than this (har, har). “BP & PZ” entered kissing hands of young ladies in the crowd and reeking of everyone’s favorite cologne ‘Wild Buffalo.” Here PZ plugged They proceeded to tell everyone that the women had dried up and that they were turning to a video dating service. PZ, as always had a camcorder with him for such an occasion. PZ then plugged before describing his idea of the perfect date. BP kept in stride and even brought out a lovely assistant….We’ll call her Wanda. After describing the ancient technique know as the “Tag-Team”, another, more kinky assistant was brought out…..a goat. After several “tags” both the Goat and miss Wanda were mercilessly tossed to the ground. Along with the ceremonial “BIIIITCH!!!” Yes, indeed, fun for the whole family. BP, then made his exit leaving PZ to say a few words to the crowd. After plugging, there were no more words. Instead, PZ toasted Ted, with the ceremonial toasting of the Coke and leaving it behind, at center stage.


Nick Izzo was the final performer of the evening and showed why his comic timing is great. He told a story, which was as animated as you can imagine and ended Ted on a very high note for the evening


With Dan Huffines, Scott Rosen and Matt Russell at the front of the room it was all over but the shouting..


“Theatre of Ted, Enthusiastic Applause”




The running time for Theatre of Ted was 2 hours and 15 minutes




List of Performance Pieces (in order of performance)


Intro—Will the real Scott Rosen Please Stand Up

3 Ft. Gator Players Present: Times Not To Joke Part 4

A Year in Review

Brian w/an Original Song

Pete Guither w/Announcements

Dan Radcliff

Father Time-Auld Ensign

3 Ft. Gator Players Present: Times Not To Joke Part 5

Top 15 Stupidest Things Said By Guys

Matt Russell w/a Dare

Musical Improv w/ Brian, Enrico, Matt, etc, etc..

3 Ft. Gator Players Present: Times Not To Joke Part 6

D-is for Diploma

Enrico & Brian Doing a Song

Residential Assistant

Stoned Man Rambling

Special Traveling Show


The Return of B.P. & P.Z.

Nick Izzo




Performance Piece(s) of the Week


Matt Russell assisted by Scott Rosen in A Year in Review


To quote Andy Sinclair in Tom Stoppards, On The Razzle:

It was, in a word…Classic!”



WoW MoM moment of the week


Enrico giving Brian a low blow during their a cappella song. Ouch!!!